Ray was my first boyfriend and my first love. I was in JHS when we started dating. We continued to be together until we got to our second year in high school. I didn’t see it coming. One moment we were passionately in love, and the next moment he was telling me, “I don’t want you anymore. You don’t behave the way girlfriends do. Girlfriends are supposed to give kisses, sex, and money but you give ne nothing.” True, we had had conversations about this. I tried to give him what he wanted but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I remember telling him when he left me, “I will try and give you what you want if you don’t leave me.” He said it was too late. For an entire year, I begged Ray to take me back, but he turned me away each time. While I was pining after him, he was dating people I considered my close friends.

This is why the breakup took such a toll on me. I was a social butterfly. I was the entertainment you brought with you to a hangout. I believed I was loved by my friends and boyfriend. But when Ray left me and started dating my close friends, I started wondering if I was loved by any of my friends.

What even made things worse for me were his parting words. He told me, “You are difficult to love, Faith. No one will ever love you. Do you know how tedious it was to be your boyfriend?” He made me feel he did me a favor by being with me. This was what crashed my spirit.

Maybe I wouldn’t have paid attention to him if my family had shown me love. They always made me feel like they were doing me a favor by providing for me and that I should earn my keep. My siblings, especially. I never got anything free from my family without working for it or earning it by doing their laundry or taking care of their kids. I believe this is what made me believe what Ray said.

Because of this, I vowed never to let anyone get close to me anymore. I shut myself out of everyone’s life and chose a life of solitude. I no longer tried so hard to earn my family’s approval. Rather, I kept them at arm’s length. I did not entertain friends of any gender.

When I got to the university, my was hardened like stone. No one could get close to me, not even my roommate. We could talk, laugh, and cook together but I had boundaries. And she knew not to cross them.

In my second year, a guy in my class tried his best to be my friend. I ignored him for an entire semester but that did not stop him. He was persistent until he found a way into my life. I came to know and trust him over time. Before I knew what was happening, I had opened up to him about my life.

We became very very close and I started developing feelings for him. I wasn’t sure how he felt about me so I did not make a move. I waited patiently until he professed his love for me one day. Even with that, I couldn’t tell him how I felt because I was scared. He didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend, and neither did I ask him to be my boyfriend but we found ourselves in a relationship.

I was my true self around him. For a whole year, everything we had a lot of fun. I fell so madly in love with him that I could do anything for him. This is why when he asked me for intimacy, I did not say no. I was afraid he would leave me like Ray did. After we did it too, I was afraid he would lose interest in me but he didn’t.

Everything was happy until we got to our last semester on campus. I noticed some changes in his attitude towards me. He got close to another girl on campus. At first, I didn’t think much. Then he used her picture as his wallpaper. My boyfriend saved my name as “Faith” on his phone while he saved the girl’s name as, “Good Treasure.” Meanwhile, I saved his name as “Good Treasure.”

This guy never even posted my photo on his WhatsApp Status on my birthday but he would post the other girl’s photo whenever it pleased him. When I expressed my concerns to him he called me; insecure, inconsistent, and judgmental.

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I tried to be the bigger person but there is only so much the human heart can take. One day, while confronting him about the girl again, I said some pretty harsh words to him and broke up with him. I believed that was what I wanted but I regretted my actions within a week.

I called him and apologized, “I am sorry for my outburst the other day. I was just upset. Please, can we work things out and get back together?” His response was no. I was convinced I could get him to change his mind so I kept apologizing to him and asking him to take me back. Each time, he said no. We completed school and went home, but I was still begging this guy.

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We were having a conversation one day when he said I was immature. I told him, “I am not immature. It’s just that sometimes we act childishly when we fall in love. It does not mean one is not mature.” This was his reply to me; “You are not childish. You are just foolish.” I was hurt. When he noticed this he tried to tone it down by saying he meant I make foolish decisions. I was still hurt.

The fact that he was able to call me a fool made me realize that indeed, I make foolish decisions and one of them was him. I let go of whatever love I had for him that instant. Then I said to myself, “No one has ever died from being alone but many have died because of wrong partners.”

Just as I did after Ray left me, I have resolved to keep to myself. I don’t care if I don’t find love again. I am enough for myself.

—Faith

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