He was in school abroad when he proposed to me. I didn’t say yes. I didn’t say no. I didn’t tell him I was thinking about it. I just laughed the proposal away. A day later, he started calling me, “My love.” Anytime he called me that, I laughed but inside me, I was very happy. I didn’t know my actual feelings towards him but I was glad he had taken the lead in loving me.
He called every day to check on me. He texted and each time he texted, he ended it with “I love you with all my heart.” When he felt too lazy to write it in full, he wrote “ILYWAMH” With time, I came to call him ILYWAMH. He loved it but I still didn’t know my true feelings towards him.
If he was in Ghana, I would have loved him right from the time he told me he loved me. He was abroad and I wasn’t sure how love was going to be like. The stories I’ve heard about guys abroad didn’t favour him and what a friend went through with her guy who was abroad also didn’t favour our relationship. I was sceptical, always sitting on the fence but he was over the seas loving me with all his heart.
A year later, I still wasn’t sure but I responded to everything he said positively. I didn’t have a boyfriend but if someone came along and he was serious about me, I would have given him a chance. I didn’t want to gamble my life away or throw the little love I had in me away to a guy over the distance. But two years later when he kept at it, calling me every day and texting at dawn to see if I was sleeping well, I decided enough was enough. I gave my heart away and allowed it to fall for him.
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When he told me he loved me, I responded with “I love you too” and this time it felt real. I was the girl who was initiating intimacy and asking him to stay connected with his heart and soul. He felt the difference. He asked what had changed. I asked what he had seen to assume something had changed. A year later he told me, “I’m coming back home. Get ready for marriage. We don’t need to waste any time because we’ve wasted three years already.”
He came back home and we got married five months later.
On the first night of our honeymoon, I told him, in fact, I pleaded with him, “You told me you love me with all your heart. Please don’t change. We both have taken a huge leap of faith with this marriage. If you remain the way you were while abroad, we’ll be fine. I’m too young for surprises and my heart can’t stand the shock of changes. I love you this way so remain this way.”
He laughed at my fears but he didn’t strum it with his fingers. We hugged. He told me he loved me with all his heart so I shouldn’t have any fear. I know true love has no fear but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know him too well to trust our future together. Yes, I’d known him absently for three years but there is a difference. Knowing someone physically is always better.
We are three months old together. Everything is still the same. We are brand new. We go everywhere together. He’s my ride or die and I’m loving it. He touches me at every given opportunity. He shows me off to his friends. Our sex life is over the roof. He consults me over every issue. He’s in the kitchen with me when he has to. When I play the drum, he sings the tune. When I sing the tune, he dances to it.
I don’t want anything to change but change is bound to happen and that makes me scared. If he changes, what won’t he do again? Will he leave the drum and singing for me to do alone? I don’t want to be alone. I want us to continue to be a two-man band, travelling together and playing shows together.
Everybody tells me I should be ready for the change because marriage is not always rosy. I’m here asking, what can I do to maintain this phase of our marriage? Am I asking for too much to want things to remain the same? To continue being the love of his heart? But in case the change I don’t want happens, which they say is inevitable, how am I supposed to deal with it?
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Because of these questions, I’m not able to enjoy what’s before me wholeheartedly. When I’m happy, I look over my shoulders to see if change is coming. I’m happy and miserable at the same time because I’m new to this thing called marriage. The experienced people here, please help a JJC in marriage.
—Alice
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Dear Alice, I am not married so I’m not sure if my advice is what you’re looking for. However, as someone who has been around so many people and know how hard it is to find “the one”, and to take the courage to tie the knot forever.
I will say, breathe, and live, enjoy the life that you have, the present. Life comes with a lot of changes, they say, that means, even if you don’t wholeheartedly enjoy what you have, the change will still come. Now that change doesn’t have to be negative, at most, you shouldn’t worry about tomorrow’s problem today, do what you have and keep your hope alive that everything will be fine, just as it is.
I wish you all the best.
Dear Alice, I am not married so I’m not sure if my advice is what you’re looking for. However, as someone who has been around so many people and know how hard it is to find “the one”, and to take the courage to tie the knot forever.
I will say, breathe, and live, enjoy the life that you have, the present. Life comes with a lot of changes, they say, that means, even if you don’t wholeheartedly enjoy what you have, the change will still come. Now that change doesn’t have to be negative, at most, you shouldn’t worry about tomorrow’s problem today, do what you have and keep your hope alive that everything will be fine, just as it is.
I wish you all the best.
You worry too much, some changes will come along the way as you get familiar with each other; however give yourselves some space. Don’t be too clingy, so that I’m the event when there’s some change you won’t feel the shock as much. Enjoy the moment.Thank you.
Just pray and remain focus, taking one day at a time. Let your faith and trust be on God. You will be fine.
My sister, you’ve already taken the step of marrying someone you barely know. And even if you’d known him for years, he could change and a lot of people are going to tell you that it’s not going to be nice forever but don’t believe them. Just enjoy your marriage life one day at a time and stop listening to people. Have a prosperous
My dear Alice,life is full of uncertainties so relax and enjoy what you have now, when the change happens at least you’ll be happy you once enjoyed, if you don’t enjoy your marriage now what memories will you have when the change comes
Hi Alice,
I am 19 years married so I guess I qualify to advise you.
You are rather hurting your beautiful union by looking over your shoulder always. What you are doing might bring the change even earlier (especially if he gets tired of too quickly). Then what have you achieved.
Ours was like you have now for the first 2 years. Our first son came around 28 months after, and we had to adjust. The second one came 26 months after the first, and we had to make further adjustments. Our daughter came 41 months after the second son, and we had to adjust further. We started as 2 people, but are now 5! The demands on our time, finances, energies, privacy, time together etc. changed! Sheltering, clothing, protecting and feeding the growing family meant bills, trips to the hospital, PTA meetings, being at soccer games and speech days etc etc. They changed a lot of things, and put a lot of demands on every aspect of our lives. We embraced them wholeheartedly, though they got really really overbearing sometimes!
One thing that helped was the first 28 months we spent knowing each other before our first son came. So when the changes came, we knew exactly what caused them, and put them in their right perspectives. When tempted to despair, we remembered how easy everything was initially : how we had too much to spend, how our times together were always full of sparks, how we never got tired together. These memories helped us look forward to better times ahead. So don’t spend this time looking back! Spend it to build a strong foundation for your marriage, so that when the hard times you will stand. What it requires is planning. Plan where you’ll stay, plan for your kids, plan your careers, plan even for inlaw related issues. Planning makes the changes more bearable (especially if you have limited resources). Most families break apart when they are taken unawares by life changes, and they start blaming each other’s woes!
So use this period to bond, enjoy each other and establish a strong foundation for your marriage. The only thing guaranteed in this life is “CHANGE”, so plan towards it, embrace it, and ride the tides.
And if you are a Christian like me, then stay close to God (through your regular devotional life) and let His wisdom guide you through the storms. Research shows that those who are religious(as in “those who believe in a superior being” as controller of this universe) handle life changes better than those who don’t.
So life can be a challenge, but the challenges are surmountable when the right tools and resources are employed.
And always tap into the wisdom of those who have gone ahead of you, and surmounted those hurdles. Makes you avoid their own mistakes.
All the best, and praying with you.