When we started dating this January, we both had dreams concerning the future of the relationship. We would stay committed to each other and avoid playing games. Everything we do in the relationship would be to the benefit of the two of us. I did not expect anything grand from her. I just wanted her to show a level of commitment that would match mine. I know from experience that relationships are easier when the people involved are on the same page. That’s all I wanted, for her to be on the same page as me.

However, I noticed that I was the only one who initiated communication. If I wake up and I don’t call her, we wouldn’t have a phone conversation. If I don’t text her, she wouldn’t text first to check up on me. When I brought this to her attention she said, “I am not the calling type. I also find it hard to initiate a conversation, but if you start I will engage you.” “Abena, we are all not the calling types but this is a relationship. If we don’t talk how can it work?” She said she would work on it but I never saw any change in her behaviour.

In June this year, I was at her place when she said, “I have something to tell you.” I told her I was all ears only to hear her say, “I am seeing someone else.” I didn’t ask her any questions. I just left her and went home. Later that night, she showed up at my place. Although I was upset with her, I didn’t turn her away. She claimed she was not serious about her earlier announcement. “It was meant to be a joke. I just wanted to see how you will react to it,” she said. I replied, “Please leave me alone. Go and concentrate on your new man.” So she asked her sister to plead her case. Her sister also said she was just joking so I should forgive her. And so I let it go.

On her birthday, I told her I would like to take her out. She was excited about it, and so was I. Around 5:30 pm that day, she called but it was her friend who spoke to me. The lady said, “I know you plan to take Abena out but I want to let you know that I am taking her out instead.” I just said, “Okay, have a good time.” It was not as if I was happy, no I wasn’t. I just agreed in hopes that this was another one of her jokes.

I waited for her to call me and talk to me but she didn’t. I believe she was expecting me to send her money, and when I didn’t, she could not go out with her friend. I was at home when she called to tell me that she couldn’t go out with her friend so she was coming to my place. The first thing I said to her when she arrived was, “I want to give you space so you can figure out what it is you want from me and this relationship.” Before I ended my sentence she started crying. She said I was breaking up with her.

Once again, her sister got involved in our affairs. Although she supported me this time around, she still pleaded on Abena’s behalf. She is someone I hold in high esteem so I did as she asked.

Now, we are back on track. I am going above and beyond to make things work but Abena has started behaving in a way that does not give me peace. When she is going somewhere, she would tell me she is going out. “Going out to where?” I would ask. Her response to this is always a lie at first. It is after she had gone and returned that she would tell me the truth about where she went. This is hurting my heart very badly.

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I talked to her about it and she said, “When I tell you I am going out, just say okay. Don’t ask any follow-up questions.” Is this not proof that she is hiding something from me? Or am I overreacting?

The other day I sat her down and asked, “Do you think we are making any headway in our relationship? Is there a beautiful future ahead of us?” She said yes. She talked about how much she loves me. I want to believe her but I don’t see it. I am still the only person doing the calling. She only calls me when she misses my calls. She only texts me after I have texted her first. Is this love?

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Recently, I called her around 8 pm and she claimed she was in church so she would call me later. I called her again at 9 pm but she didn’t pick up. I called from that time till 11:45 pm before she finally answered her phone. When I started asking questions, she got defensive and said all sorts of hurtful things to me. Later, she called to apologize and promised to change.

The morning of the next day I was expecting her to call me, to prove that she had changed but she didn’t. I had to call her. That evening I went to see her and I realized her phone was on silent mode. After giving her so many chances and seeing no change, I want to end the relationship. The problem is, if I tell her that I am done, she will get dramatic and involve her sister. It appears it will be less messy if I just ghost her. Is it right for me to stop talking to her without giving her any explanations? I want to avoid her crying and asking me not to leave her.

—Erasmus

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