I got into a horrible accident when I was in Junior high school. By the grace of God, I survived. However, it was not without a scratch. I got badly hurt on my knee and my elbow. It wasn’t life-threatening so they did not have to cut off any of my limbs. I healed from the accident with two arms and two legs intact. My family was happy. And so was I. We were thankful that God delivered me from a tragic faith.
I escaped a deadly fate but when the wound healed, it scarred badly. By that I mean I got keloids. It’s still there, on my knee and my elbow. I healed but it left a mark on my skin. A mark that affected my self-image. Every time I looked at myself I thought, “Now that I have these terrible scars, how will any man ever want me?”

Because of this, I did not attempt to date anyone when all my peers were falling in love and having boyfriends and girlfriends. I felt I was too flawed to be desirable. So even if a boy approached me, I would say, “No, I am not interested in a relationship. I just want to focus on my books.” I mean I wanted to focus on my books but that wasn’t the main reason.

When I got to senior high school, I started to work on my self-image. I accepted that the keloids were part of me now. So I had to embrace them and love my body, flawed, scarred, warts, and all.
When a boy that I liked asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him; “There is something you need to know about me. Beneath these all covering clothes are scars that affect the way I look.”

He asked how bad they were and I told him everything. After he listened to my story he said, “How is that your fault? You survived something tragic. And you ended up with battle scars. I haven’t seen them but I know they don’t take anything away from your beauty. If anything, they add to it.” I felt comforted to hear these words coming from him. It was nice to know that my fears that a man wouldn’t love me because of my scars were just irrational fears.

Although he embraced my body at the beginning of our relationship, it got to a point where he began to change. He did not state it in clear terms but I knew in my heart that it was the kiloids. Whenever he was around me and I wore something that showed them off, he acted as if he was uncomfortable. Sometimes he would say, “I think you should wear a longer skirt than what you are wearing.” Other times he would ask, “Are you not cold? I think you should cover up.” He tried to be diplomatic about it but I understood what he meant.

His behaviour started to affect the relationship so we eventually agreed it was best we went our separate ways. I was hurt but I had to pick up the shards of my broken heart and forge ahead.
I have dated a few other guys after him. The story is no different with them. I tell them about my scars and they tell me it doesn’t change the way they feel about me. We start dating and along the line, they change. They start to stay away from me as if what I have is contagious. There were the ones who cheated on me. When I asked what I did wrong, they couldn’t tell me.

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My most recent ex-boyfriend, for instance, I thought he was the one that would stay. Things were so good with him until he also started acting distant. I knew what was wrong but I asked anyway, hoping he would prove me wrong. Unfortunately, that was not the case. He told me, “It’s about your body. It makes it difficult for me to go out with you in public unless you cover up. And sometimes I want you to wear certain clothes that you cannot wear publicly. I am sorry but I am not sure we are a good fit.” He was the last person I expected this from, so the breakup almost broke me.

It took a while before I completely healed. I have tried not to let all these men affect my self-confidence but it’s hard. When they try to have shuperu with me and I say no, they get offended. They say things like, “You don’t have big breasts or big butts. Your skin too is not perfect. But I decided to date you regardless and you are denying me sex? What at all are you offering me in this relationship?” More than one man has said this to me.

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They make me feel as if I don’t have the right to behave like a regular girl because of my keloids. As though they are doing me a favour by being with me. It is not as if I haven’t done shuperu before, it’s just that these men leave even when I give it to them, so why bother? If they get it, they use my scars as an excuse to leave. If they don’t get it too, they still use my scars as an excuse to leave. At the end of the day, they all leave. So I am beginning to think that maybe love is not in the books for me.

I have made enquiries about my condition and I have been told that it can be fixed. So right now I have decided to stay away from men. I want to work hard and build myself, and hopefully get rid of the scars before I give myself another shot at love. Am I giving up too quickly on love? Or is it true what they say, that there is someone for everyone? Is there a possibility that a man will meet me and love all of me, warts and all? Or I should learn from my past and forget about love?

—Charlotte 

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