I lost a two-year relationship in 2020. The guy I was dating gave me the flimsiest reason to leave the relationship. There was nothing wrong. We didn’t fight. We didn’t quarrel. I didn’t cheat on him. He woke up one day and felt something was missing. He said, “I don’t know what is missing but whatever it is, I need time to find it.”

I gave him time. I think a month or so. He called after one month with the final verdict; “This relationship is going nowhere. We better break it now before it breaks us later.”

That was it. That was the end of a two-year relationship I gave my all to build. It happened on January 11th, 2020. It was a Saturday. The time was 9:24 p.m. I buried myself under my pillow and cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, I cried until tears formed a rainbow in my eyes.

Before Covid, I met James. He wasn’t a new person. We went to SHS together. In school, I wasn’t looking at him but according to him, he was looking at me to the extent he even had wet dreams about me. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said he was scared about my friends. “My friends? What could they have done?”

In school, there was this thing where girls measured their self-importance based on the number of guys they’d said no to. A guy would propose to you through a letter or another friend. You’ll run and tell your friends about it before you say no to the guy. Then your friends would take over. They’ll spread the news and hoot at the guy whenever they see him. It was a thing and because of that, a lot of girls said no to guys they really liked just to up their status as the girl whom many guys have proposed.

When James talked about his fear of my friends, that was what he meant. And he was right. If he proposed to me back then, I would have said no and later lead my girl gang to hoot at him. He chose the right time to tell me about his feelings. I was mature. I’d been in love and love had been in me. I’ve had my heart broken so I knew what it took to have someone who’ll help you mend your broken heart. I said yes to James and a month and some days later, the lockdown was announced.

We went to the market to buy what we would need. We used four days to hoard food and other essentials. We were happy that we were going to lock down together. He even made us a Playlist of my favourite songs that we played every night when we went to sleep. Because of him, I was grateful that the two-year relationship didn’t work. I remember waking up at dawn and feeling grateful for meeting someone I could give my all to. “I wouldn’t have cried if I knew the end of the previous relationship would open the doorway to a beautiful new relationship like this one,” I said to myself.

It was beautiful, our time together during the lockdown. We talked about our mates and wondered where they were. We talked about gossip when we were in school, who was dating who and what had become of them. I remember telling him young love was a waste of time and emotions. We were young and didn’t know what love really was but we were so sure we were going to marry them in future.

The lockdown was for two weeks. After the two weeks, another week was added. I didn’t stay the additional week. I went home to my bed and also visited my parents who were wondering where I was. I left James’ place in the morning. On the way home, my phone went off. I got home, charged my phone and there was no message from James. I was expecting him to get worried that my phone was off and couldn’t reach me. But there was nothing of that nature. I held on. I wanted to see if he was going to call me. He didn’t call until I called him in the evening.

That started a fight that caused a huge crack in our relationship. I accused him of not caring enough. He accused me of exaggerating the issue. I asked him, “You said you loved me so much you had wet dreams about me. What happened to that love? If you did truly, you would have checked on me.”

Lovers fight and it’s alright. It only means we care enough to fight for what we have. After the fight, I was expecting a make up but that never happened. When I pressed for attention, he told me he needed space to think about the whole thing.

All of a sudden, everything started to feel familiar. It was like a dream coming to life. I waited and waited until I couldn’t wait any longer. I called him, “James, be a man and tell me what’s on your mind. Stop hiding behind time and speak up.”

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He said he couldn’t connect with me emotionally when we were together. I gave him a glimpse of what our life would be like when we marry and he didn’t like what he saw. I asked what was wrong. He told me there was nothing wrong but something was missing. “It’s not about what went wrong but what didn’t go right. I was struggling to connect. It looks like something is missing and I can’t find what it is. It’s not about you. It’s about me. Forgive me.”

What made me feel grateful for the past heartbreak brought me another heartbreak. It was severe. It felt like my heart was bursting at it seams and I couldn’t do anything about it. People were dying of Covid while I was dying of heartbreak. This ended too quickly. It felt like it ended even before it started. Just like the first one, it also ended because something was missing. I promised myself not to fall in love again until what was missing was found.

From 2020 to 2022 I stayed in my corner, observing and doing a lot of thinking. Men who came my way didn’t have a chance. I looked at their faces and judged them. “You’re all pretenders. Just leave me alone before you come and tell me your key is missing so we can’t make it work. You men of missing things.” In 2023 when I finally decided to fall in love again, I told him, “Justice, if at any point in time you feel like something is missing in our relationship, please tell me. I love you so much I will help you find what’s missing.”

He laughed at me, the kind of laughter men laugh when the love is new. As if to say everything is alright. He didn’t understand my concern but because it was very important to me, I took my time and explained it to him; “I’m not perfect. I can’t give you everything that makes you happy. There would be some missing links somewhere. When it hits you that I’m not giving you everything you need in love, please let me know. I know how to fix things.”

So from the beginning of this relationship, everything has been a learning curve for us. We don’t rush into things because we are in love. Even sex, we had to talk about it for months so we don’t give each other less of what they expected. He knows my weakness and he’s ready to complement me. He tries all he can to hide his weakness every day but I’m a woman. I know a man’s weakness so I try to complement him even when he hasn’t asked me to.

In August this year, he said we should get married. I told him, “I’m ready, let’s do it.” In October we did the knocking. We are getting married in January.

It’s not the marriage that makes me happy. It’s the future of us that makes me happy. The marriage itself isn’t the end. People marry today and tomorrow they are apart. We may even end before January comes. It’s all part of the deal.

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What I love is the fact that I know Justice won’t wake up one day and tell me something is missing. We know how to find missing things. Being married doesn’t mean something cannot be missing. Marriage is not a solution to missing things but we’ve built in a short time a relationship that’s able to look for what’s missing and bring it to our relationship. And the good thing is, even if we are not able to find what’s missing, we are OK living without it because we can’t have it all. We only have to be content.

—Mama Justice    

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