Everything showed he was interested in me. He called in the morning to ask how my day was going to be like. When I listed all the things I was supposed to do and he didn’t hear his name anywhere, he asked me, “Where do I fit in your day?” He was that guy who called in the afternoon and asked what food he should deliver as lunch. In the night, he was the last to call or text and say goodnight. I needed no evidence to know he was in love with me but I told myself, “I will try my best to make him not propose to me.”

He proposed. I said No. He asked why and I told him, “You know why. You’re married. I can’t date a married man. I need a man I don’t share with anyone. My own kind of man. The one who comes with no strings attached.”

He acted like he understood me but he didn’t stop being that guy. He continued calling. I asked about his wife and kids and even asked him to extend my greetings to them. I didn’t fail. I did it every day to remind him that I know about his family and I’m concerned about them.

From the way his wife eulogized him on Facebook, he was a good husband and a father. His wife never stopped posting about him and their kids and the wonderful family they had. They were having a happy marriage so why was he chasing me?

When he brought the proposal back a couple of months later, I asked him the same question; “Your wife adores you and speaks so well of your character. Why do you want to hurt her?”

He didn’t have an answer to my question except to say, “What’s between you and I can’t hurt anyone.” I responded, “It means you’re going to hide me. You won’t let her know so she gets hurt but hiding me from the world would hurt me. I’m not the kind of woman to be kept under the carpet. I want to be celebrated the way your wife celebrates you.”

There are men who walk away when failure is staring them in the face. Others will stay and watch the candle melt to the floor before they walk away. Some won’t walk away, no matter what. The candle would burn. They would collect the wax and start a new candle.  Adolf belonged to the last category of men. He doesn’t know how to give up. He told me he doesn’t give up easily when it comes to love. I told him I don’t say yes when husbands of other women come proposing to me.

He never left me alone. Adolf. A man with the patience of a tortoise.

He came through for me often. Apart from the many kind things he was doing for me, he was also helping me to take care of my father. My dad had been sick for over a year. I’m the eldest of three kids. I was the only one making a living at that time so the financial responsibility leaned heavily on me. Sixty per cent of my salary went into taking care of my dad. It was stressful. I nearly gave up at some point. Instead of giving up, I opened up to Adolf. I told him about the emotional stress I was going through because of that. He simply said, “If you let me, I will help.” I asked how and he told me, “By sharing the burden with you. Things we do for love.”

He paid for drugs and paid for hospital bills. If there was an emergency that needed financial backing, I spoke to him about it and he helped. He never turned his back on me so with time my conscience started pricking me; “You don’t like a married man but like his money? How’s that fair?” The voice in my head answered, “I like him. He’s a kind man. I would have done everything within my power to be with him if he wasn’t married.”

I had this conversation with myself often until one day, my dad died. I was down flat on my emotions. Again, Adolf provided the shoulder to cry on. When I was going home, he chose to drive me home so he could extend his condolences to my mom and siblings. I cried throughout the three-hour journey. At one point he stopped the car and asked me to put my head on his shoulder. I did. He held my hand and started saying a lot of encouraging stuff. He stopped on the way thrice before we finally got home. He drove back alone but kept calling to check up on me.

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When I came back to my place he visited. I was OK. I’d stopped crying but I hadn’t stopped thinking of how I was going to remain fatherless forever. He sat next to me and kept telling me to remain encouraged because he was going to be there. That day we had sex. It happened so fast. I don’t even remember how it started or how he asked for it or even how I consented to it.

I was fine after the sex. It felt like a burden had been lifted off my chest. Or a debt had been paid sort of thing. While we lay panting, I asked if there was something he needed me to do. He answered, “Just be here with me. I want nothing more than knowing you are there for me.”

I was twenty-nine years old lady dating a man who belonged to another woman and yet waiting for a man I could call my own. Adolf gave me whatever I needed but he couldn’t give me what his wife also needed. When I needed him at the time his wife needed him, he chose his wife over me. He was scared of his wife. There was something he would lose once her wife was in the picture but when it came to me, he thought he could pay his way out. He would intentionally make me angry and later buy me presents when all I needed was his presence.

One day I asked myself “How did we get here? Was I not the girl who promised never to date a married man? What changed? What swayed me out of that position I thought was entrenched?”

The answer was, “You stayed too long around the barber shop so you got your hair cut.”

When Adolf proposed and I said no, I should have cut ties with him completely but I didn’t. I thought telling him no was enough but men have the notion that when a woman says no, it only means “Try harder.” They never leave after hearing no. That’s what Adolf did and unfortunately, I proved him right, that a woman’s no isn’t to be taken seriously. Once she says no, try harder and she would say yes.

We dated for over a year until my head cleared. I walked out of the relationship without looking back. He tried. He fought back. He got overly sweeter. I said no. Not just no, I avoided him and made a conscious effort to cut ties with him. He didn’t see it coming. He struggled to come to terms with it but slowly he did and left me alone.

I have a friend, Suzzy. She’s being chased by a married man. She’s committing the same mistake I committed. She said no and still stuck around the barbershop. I told her, “You don’t want a married man but want a married man’s money and kindness? If you don’t run away, you will one day say yes to him without knowing what changed.”

She told me, “Never! Because of money, I would say yes to a married man? It won’t happen.” I told her, “It won’t happen until it happens, then you begin to make excuses and exceptions.”

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If you don’t want a married man, don’t want his money. Once you say no, cut ties with him. When you’re emotionally down, don’t accept comfort from a married man. Extending your greetings to his wife and children wouldn’t do much if you keep entertaining him. I’ve learned my lessons the hard way but if you listen to me, you won’t have to go through what I went through unless you genuinely want to date a married.

—Ewurama

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