Five years ago, I said “I do” to the woman I’d dated for two years. She was all I had and couldn’t think of anyone when it was time to get married. A lot of things were right when we were dating. The way she cared for me, the way she spoke about the future with me, the way she called my name and the way she made the moment count when we were together.

I’m an introvert. I like to keep to myself. I can be in a room full of people and still be alone. A wallflower kind of a man but with my wife, I felt seen. She knew who I was and always tried her best to engage me whenever I coiled into my shell. I loved that. I loved her. I loved who we were.

Marriage does a lot to a man and changes who a woman is. Five years after marriage, we are no longer who we used to be and the sad thing is, she is not trying to go back to who she used to be.

We’ve settled in. We’ve shrunk ourselves to fit into our current situation. We no longer talk the way we used to. When the kids came, a lot changed. It looks like we are living our lives for them than ourselves. Our happiness is relegated to the background while theirs is in the foreground. We’ve forgotten who we are and remember who we want our kids to become.

I travelled for a funeral. A very good friend of mine was burying his mom and I was there to help. I travelled to Takoradi on a Thursday evening to be there for this friend of mine. On Friday evening, I drove to town to get something for my friend. Immediately after I parked my car, a lady walked towards me at the driver’s side and said hello.

I looked at her and how her teeth were sparkling and her eyes dazzling. She was smiling a lot so I thought she was someone I knew. I said hello while trying to get out of the car. She said, “You seem to be in a hurry, at least give me some minutes let’s talk.”

I sat back in the car in an attempt to listen to what she had to say. “You men are always in a hurry that’s why you get tired in life,” she said. “You’ve been working all week, don’t you think it’s time to relax and unwind? I’m here for you. Let’s talk.”

I looked around before I could perceive who she was. Other ladies were busily walking around showcasing their beauty under the street light. Others stood in the dark corners so they could shine. When a car stopped, they rushed to the car and spoke to the driver. “She’s a prostitute?” I asked myself. “A beautiful girl like this is a prostitute? What does she want in life that she’s not getting?”

Before I knew it, she was walking to the passenger side to take a seat next to me. I allowed it because I felt she deserved my attention. It’s easy to pay attention to beautiful things.

She took my hand in hers and said, “I can make your night, trust me. You don’t have to pay much. Just tell me how much you have and where you want us to go.”

I love to be touched. Years ago, I told my wife when she touched me the same way. When it’s hard and I want to hide and be who introverts are, a simple touch like that brings me back to life. My wife knew it back when we were dating and used it often when we had issues. She would hold my hand and say, “Let’s talk about it. You don’t have to keep it in because you’re a man. Talk to me, I’m your girlfriend and ready to go through things with you.”

She always got me to talk. It was her way of taking me out of my head. After marriage, she stopped. I’m not blaming her. I said marriage does a lot to a man and changes who a woman is. She changed. The routine nature of life after marriage made her forget the little things. I even forgot that I loved to be touched that way until the prostitute did it.

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I asked her questions and she answered. She would smile broadly, look into my eyes and answer every question. I felt seen. It was like I was talking to someone interested in me. I couldn’t hide from her gaze and it was nice.

I asked how much she was going to charge for a night. She asked if I would need her all night. Her hand was on my lap. She made eye contact while talking to me. She smiled a lot. When I disengaged, she tapped on my thighs and said, “Look at me…” before she talked to me.

My phone’s screen lit up. It was a call. I picked up and talked while she watched on. When I hung up she asked if my wife was calling me home. I told her it was a friend who needed me. She said, “Tell him you have a new friend and she’s taking good care of you.” I laughed and said, “I have to go. Give me your number, I will call you.”

I took her number and drove away.

She sparked a conversation in me. When I talked to myself I agreed to see her again. When I got home and called, she didn’t pick up. Later in the night, she called. When she realized it was me she said, “You want to come back? Just come, I’m here.”

Saturday evening, I drove there and she came to sit next to me. She said, “Just drive.” I asked where we were going and she said, “Where I can make your night. Don’t you want to have fun?”

I drove a little far from the scene. I liked her but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sleep with her. I loved the way she spoke to me but that was all about it. We sat in the car and talked for several minutes. She looked at me. She looked through me. She knew I was scared. She said, “You’re worried about your wife? She would not know until you tell her.” She was so bent on making me have sex with her. I knew it was the money she wanted but I was intrigued about her effort. I told her, “I like you as a person. I don’t mind being your friend.” She smiled. She said, “You have my number. You can always call me.”

I went inside my wallet and paid her a night’s worth of money. She smiled broadly. She picked my hand into hers and thanked me. Before leaving, I asked for a hug and she took me in. It lasted for a few seconds but it felt like forever. I watched her cross the street, waved at me and disappeared into the darkness. She was everything my wife used to be until life, marriage and kids robbed her magic. I knew what I was going to do to bring the magic back into our marriage.

Immediately I saw my wife, I opened my arms. I was inviting her for a hug. She looked at me and turned away until our first kid ran to hug my leg. The spirit in me died. Every night when I try initiating sex and she complains about tiredness, I remember the girl I met on the street. I’ll pay my wife good money to be that girl. When I’m quiet, she leaves me alone. When I initiate new things she tells me we are no longer kids; “We have kids. It means we are not the kids.”

I can only take my wife’s hand into mine when she’s sleeping. She won’t cuddle. She won’t talk about her day. She won’t listen to me talk about my day. When kids fall asleep, she would be on her phone watching TikTok. I would be in my corner trying to get some work done. The only thing that makes her smile is when she’s watching TikTok videos. Immediately I call her, she’ll give me a serious face. I wish she could pick up cues and act along but she’s not ready to be that girl I married.

I Haven’t Done It With A Married Woman Before | Story Board

So I’m here missing all the things I used to have while we were dating. I talk about it and I’m treated as if it doesn’t matter but I respect my vows so much I won’t look elsewhere. I’ll be here, working hard each day to see where it goes. I’m asking her questions. Questions like, “What can I do to make you want to be that girl?” The answer I get is, “I was a girl. Now I’m a mother. Accept that things change and let’s concentrate on raising these kids.”

I won’t stop asking anyway. Maybe one day I’ll get the right answer and when I do, I’ll do just what she asks of me so we can be us again. Until then, I can only try.

—Ekow

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