My first experience with shuperu took the pleasure out of the experience for me. It was not something I consented to. To think that the person who forced himself on me was my boyfriend made the whole thing worse. After him, I started seeing sex as something dirty.

Before this guy, I dated a certain guy. That relationship ended twelve years ago. We were still friends and had a good vibe. So one day we met and did it. I just wanted to get the bad taste of my first time out of my mouth. Thankfully, being with this particular guy was not that bad. I didn’t feel so dirty afterwards. But I didn’t feel pleasure either. So it didn’t happen again.

I met a guy online and decided to try my hands at online dating. It was going well until we met and had shuperu. He did everything right but I didn’t enjoy it. I felt very dirty after it was all over. So I ended things with him. I stopped talking to him and blocked him everywhere.

Then I met Cudjoe. I was in love with him. He also loved me. I told myself I wouldn’t have anything physical to do with him but it happened. Honestly, it was good. Unlike the others, I felt something with this one. For once, I didn’t feel the urge to end things quickly and run away. I stayed with him for a while, but unfortunately, we had to break up due to irreconcilable differences.

After the breakup, I took a break from relationships for a year. I just wanted to focus on myself and enjoy my friendships. Then I met Morrison. We were friends at first, but our hearts started beating for each other. So we took things to the next level. We’ve been together for six months now.

I didn’t tell him everything about my past. He knows that my first time was rape. He also knows about my ex, Cudjoe. He doesn’t know about the other two. I love this guy so much that I know I want to settle down with him.

My problem with him is his inability to express his emotions. I am also like that so it makes it difficult for us to know what the other is feeling most of the time. Although he says he loves me, I find it difficult to believe him sometimes.

Apart from that, we agreed that we wouldn’t be intimate until marriage. However, he visited me two weeks ago and we did it. I have felt guilty ever since it happened. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the sex. It was good with him. It wasn’t exceptionally great but I felt some pleasure. The same as I did with Cudjoe.

My problem has to do with the things I am keeping from him. When I count him, I have been with five guys so far. This is something I am not proud of. And I feel like he will consider me dirty if I tell him everything. That’s why I made him believe that he is only the third guy I have been with. This lie is consuming me. Every time I see his picture, I feel so guilty.

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I know he is not a saint. He is probably doing things behind my back, even. But that’s his problem. I just don’t want to lose him. I have been praying to God to make him stay. If he doesn’t, then it means I have to move on to another man. I would hate for that to happen. Lord knows I don’t want my body count to get higher.

I’m Attracted To Women Who Have Children

Now, because of this guilt and my body count, I am overwhelmed by the urge to end my relationship with Morrison. Although I love him and want him to stay, I also feel I should be on my own for a while. It’s because of my Christian life. It has been retrogressing for some time now. So I am convinced that being single is the only way God will be happy with me.

I want to know how I can forgive myself, and make things right with God. And two of my exes want me back. I told them I have moved on but they won’t leave me alone. How do I handle them? I am just so tired of men, relationships, and everything in between.

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—Mabel 

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