I was twenty when we decided to get married. Sure, we were both young but we are Muslims. We felt like we were both fornicating and it wasn’t right. So we thought it best to legalize things. It was a small ceremony. Basically, he just paid my bride price and we moved in together.

Before we got married, I got pregnant in 2017. By then I was still in school. We felt my parents would be disappointed so we agreed to get rid of it. We didn’t get any complications so we didn’t bother much about infertility.

Shortly after we got married, I got pregnant. Everything was okay until the doctors detected that the pregnancy was ectopic. It was too dangerous to keep so the doctors had to operate and take out the baby. Sadly, it didn’t survive. We grieved the best way we could, and then we moved on.

After that incident, my husband’s behaviour changed. A man who was faithful to me since we started dating in 2017 till we got married in 2020, all of a sudden started acting out of character. He became protective of his phone. He would hide to make phone calls, and not answer certain phone calls in my presence.

Before I could complain, he posted a girl’s photo on his WhatsApp status. I asked him about it and he told me, “She is my friend’s girlfriend.” Why would anyone post their friend’s girlfriend on their WhatsApp when they don’t post their wives? His explanation didn’t make sense but I didn’t argue with him. When I got the chance to go hold his phone, I took the girl’s number and saved this on my phone.

While all this was going on, I was pregnant. I didn’t want to stress myself during the pregnancy so I didn’t contact the girl. So I was surprised when my phone rang one day and her name popped up on the screen. The moment I picked up the call, this girl started insulting me. I was very confused. She said I was chasing her man.

After a while, I hung up. Later, I told my husband about the girl and he was also very surprised. He told me, “Don’t pay attention to her. I will block her. You too block and delete her number so she won’t bother you again.” His explanation was that the girl must have mistaken me for someone else. This is a man who had never lied to me or done anything to make me question his trust so I did as he asked.

As I am narrating this story, we have two children. And my husband has done things to surprise me so much that I don’t know who he is anymore. One day this man told me he was traveling for work. Only for me to call him and have a woman answer his phone. As soon as I said hello, this person asked me; “Who are you?” I thought I made a mistake and dialed the wrong number so I checked the number and realized I didn’t make a mistake.

I told her, “This is my husband’s phone I have called. Where is he?” That’s when she said, “Oh, I am sorry. He is in the bathroom. Let me go and give the phone to him.” I was speechless. It took me a while to realize that the person who answered the phone was the same as the girl who called to insult me a few years ago.

I got mad and asked my husband what was going on but he denied having anything to do with the girl. He still insisted she was his friend’s girlfriend. Later in the evening, I was there when a strange number called me. I picked up only to find out that it was this same girl. The first thing she said was, “I heard you are upset because of me. Why? Don’t you know that I am your husband’s girlfriend? By now, you should have accepted that we are all in this together.” It was her audacity that shocked me.

At that point, my anger was more directed at my husband than her. When he came home, I asked why I was not enough for him. “Is it because my body has changed? I had C.S. twice because of your children. So you can’t expect me to be the way I was before we got married.” He said nothing had changed for him. I went through his phone that night and I wish I hadn’t. This man was talking to three girls. He had a relationship with all of them.

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That aside, he was chatting with some hookup girls. It wasn’t clear if he had already patronized their services or if he was yet to. I was so appalled by what I saw that I didn’t bother asking him about it again. What is the point if he would just lie to me? I don’t want to leave him. I was raised by a single mother so I don’t want the same for my children.

I want to stay in the marriage and look the other way while my husband does whatever he wants with his women. Now problem is, I want to experience what it is he experiences with these girls. I have never been attracted to women in my entire life. However, lately I have been getting the urge to date a woman.

I’ve Thought About How To Blame God

While my husband gets to have his fun on the side, I also desire to have my own little fun on the side. It’s just that I don’t want to cheat on him with another man. I want a woman too. My mind keeps telling me that if I experience a woman’s touch, I will understand why my husband can’t remain faithful to me.

I know it sounds crazy but I don’t know who to confide in so they’d talk some sense into my head. I know my desires are not right but I am vulnerable right now. My heart is very heavy as I share this story. How do I deal with these messy feelings plaguing me? Please, I need help.

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—Rabi

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