I go to his place every weekend. Whenever I go there we talk, watch movies, and have shuperu. Then I go home and ask myself, “What am I doing with this guy? If I don’t slow down, I will get hurt.” In my attempt to slow down, I don’t call or text to check up on him. When this happens, he gets upset. He would call me and complain bitterly, “Why do I have to be the one to always initiate communication? Don’t you have a good time when we are together?” I usually smile and apologize so I don’t hurt his feelings.

Whatever I have going on with him has me confused and scared. This guy I am talking about is not my boyfriend. He is my ex. His name is Kay. We met two years ago while I was dating someone else. He asked me to be his girlfriend but because I wasn’t available, I turned him down. Despite that, we stayed in each other’s lives as friends.

A year later, Kay brought up his romantic feelings for me once again. And he expressed his desire to be my boyfriend. By then, my then boyfriend and I had broken up, and I felt ready to move on. So this time, I gave Kay a chance.

Our relationship was not a bed of roses. Ever since we started, we didn’t have any big fights or arguments. However, at some point, I felt something was missing. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what the problem was. All I knew was that I was not happy. So after just three months into the relationship, we ceased talking to each other.

In my defence, I saw some signs that made me feel he was cheating. I didn’t catch him red-handed but I was sure I was right. I am talking about someone who was mostly too busy to spend time with me. And when we were together, he would hide in another bathroom to make certain phone calls. If this isn’t cheating, then what is?

When we ceased communication, I assumed the relationship was over. I was all prepped up to move on with my life when it dawned on me that I was still in love with him. I was so not ready to move on.

I ignored my feelings in the hopes that it would fade away with the passing of time. After all, time heals all wounds, right? Well, not in my case. Time made my feelings for him grow stronger. I concluded that I was feeling this way because we didn’t officially end things. So I contacted him and told him I needed closure.

He welcomed me warmly and we picked a day to meet at his place and talk. To my surprise, this guy knew fully well that I was coming over, yet he had another girl over. I saw him going to drop her off.

Honestly, I got upset. I quickly got over whatever I was feeling for him and ordered a ride back home. When I got home he texted me, “I am going to buy something with a friend so wait for me when you get to my place.” The text calmed me. It made me reason that we were no longer dating, so I had no right to be upset when I saw him with another woman.

I decided to go and have the talk with him. I asked him about the lady and he said he didn’t see me at the roadside. I didn’t believe him but I let it go. I was just eager to talk to him so I could leave.

After our conversation, I felt so relieved and ready to go about my life. He even texted me later asking if I got my closure. I told him, “Yes, I am glad we talked.” I was trying to move on but a few weeks later, those feelings hit me again. “Why all this? Why can’t I move on from this one guy? I wasn’t even in love with him when we were dating so why now that it’s over?” These questions haunted me as I tried to move on.

I couldn’t move on so one day I sent him a friendly text. And we continued chatting until he invited me over to his place to watch movies. I have a SmartTv with a Netflix account registered to my name so I didn’t need to go to him for movies. It was just an excuse for us to see each other again. When I went there we ended up having shuperu.

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Another time, he texted me; “I am bored staying indoors. Do you want to go out with me?” I agreed to go and we ended up at his place afterwards. I felt it wasn’t right to be sleeping with him seeing as we were no longer dating. So I had a talk with him that day.

We concluded that we both liked each other so we should let things take their natural course. We established that it doesn’t mean we are back together.

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And now I go to his place almost every weekend. He tells me about everything going on in his life. I don’t even know what it is we are doing.

Sometimes I want to let him go. Other times too, I want to see where this takes us. I can’t also shake off the feeling that I will hurt myself in the end. Please, what I do?

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—Kiki

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