I knew Jay was not financially comfortable before I started dating him. Because of this, I didn’t enter the relationship expecting any financial benefits. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to ask him for money in good conscience. This is someone who is constantly encountering problems that require money to fix. Most of the time he tells me, “My mum is not feeling well. I have to take her to the hospital.” When this happens, he spends money on expensive medication and medical bills.

If it’s not about his mother’s health, then it is something else. I have financial needs that I am struggling to meet all by myself. And I wish he could help me sometimes but I don’t want to add my burden to his. So I have never asked him for anything. He has also never offered me any gifts or money in the one year we’ve dated.

A few months ago, I met a married man who expressed interest in me. I didn’t give him a response immediately. We talked consistently for about two months, getting to know each other. I love my boyfriend but I needed financial assistance. And I figured the married man could provide that for me. So I eventually accepted his proposal.

True to my expectations, the man helped me the way I needed. I didn’t tell him I had a boyfriend. Neither did I tell my boyfriend about the man. But somehow he found out. When he confronted me I didn’t lie to him. I told him, “Yes, I am dating another man. It’s not because I don’t love you. It’s just that I need money and you can’t provide that for me. Although this other man is married, he is able to provide for my needs. That’s why I accepted his proposal.”

I let him understand that nothing sexual happened between me and the man. I thought he would understand the situation that led me to entertain another man but he rather got angry. He said a lot of things out of pain. I didn’t know if he was cursing me or advising me. One thing he said was, “You are also a woman. One day you will get married and someone will do the same thing to you.”

He was hurt. Even after I told him that nothing happened between me and the man, he was still hurt. So I promised him, “I will break up with him and won’t have any contact with him. You don’t have to worry.” After our conversation, I went ahead and ended things with the man.

After the break up, I went back to struggling financially but I never complained. I still didn’t ask Jay for any financial assistance. Things were as they always were. Recently I had to travel to the town the man lives in. Jay thought I would go and meet the man and rekindle our relationship. I assured him that I had no intention of doing that but he wasn’t convinced.

Yesterday he called me at dawn. My eyes were heavy with sleep but I knew whatever he had to say must be important so I picked up. “Are you awake?” He asked, “There’s something I need to discuss with you.” I urged him to go ahead and talk. He then said, “Things are not going well for me financially. You can see that for yourself. So I give you permission to date the married man. I won’t be able to help you with your needs but he can, so go back to him. Or if you meet any man you think can give you what you want, date that person.”

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I was surprised at what he said. How can a man who loves me encourage me to date someone else? I asked him, “So if I go back to the married man because of money, and he demands sex in exchange for his help, what do you expect me to do?” He answered, “You can go ahead and sleep with him if you believe that’s what you need to do to survive.” I was shocked when he said this. All I have done is try to be a supportive girlfriend so I didn’t expect him to behave the way he did.

To open your mouth to say I love you, Is kind of weird

After the call ended, I called his friend. I narrated everything that happened to him and asked him to reason with Jay for me. All his friend told me was, “You brought this upon yourself when you told Jay that you were dating the married man for money. Now he has asked you to continue dating the man so you get the money you want. Is that bad?” Basically, the person I was counting on to plead my case is siding with Jay.

This is why I decided to come here. Did I do something wrong by telling him the truth? I thought by ending things with the man, peace would be restored but that’s not the case. I am wondering if this relationship is worth holding on to. Or if I should just forget all about him and move on with my life. Please tell me, what exactly did I do wrong?

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—Nana 

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