When Kwesi proposed to me four years ago, he made it clear that his intention is to marry me. He had gotten tired of moving from one relationship to another. He was finally ready to settle down. And he is so sure that I am the one for him. I also accepted his proposal because time was passing me by, and I wanted to finally be with someone who was serious about marrying me.

After all these years together, everything Kwesi has done to this point is geared toward marriage. He is very consistent with his plans. This should make me happy but all I feel is misery. It is all because I feel no iota of romantic love for him. I have tried so hard but I only love him as a friend. Even when he tries to touch me, I feel it’s wrong and I tell him to stop.

He thinks I am letting him wait until marriage, but that’s not the case. I just can’t stomach the thought of having intimacy with him. We are just too different for my liking. First, we do not like the same things. Then, we communicate differently. There is also the fact that we come from different tribes. This means we don’t speak the same language. I find it easier to express myself in my local language than in any other language. So I am usually not excited about talking to Kwesi, considering that I would have to speak to him in a language we both understand.

I know he loves me. He goes the extra mile when it comes to my well-being, but I also know I’m not in love with him. I make a conscious effort to feel something for him but it ends up draining me. He knows how I feel but he is positive that things will change. He tells me, “Love is a choice. So keep trying. One day you will wake up and realize that you are in love with me.” Why is he so sure that it will happen?

One day I asked him, “Are there no other women in your life that you can consider for marriage?” “Oh, there are many of them,” he answered, “But these women don’t think and behave as you do so they don’t interest me. Besides, they are only interested in my money. I know you are nothing like that so I am not afraid to be myself around you.”

I asked him again, “You tell me that love is a choice, so why haven’t you made it a choice to love one of those women even though they don’t interest you?” He couldn’t give me an answer. I just wanted him to understand that it is not as easy to fall in love with someone as he thinks it is.

While I struggle with my feelings for him, my mother is also compounding things. She is a prayerful woman who has the gift of dreams and prophecy. Whenever she prays and sees something in a dream, it comes to pass. So we don’t take her prophecies and dreams lightly. When I first took Kwesi home, my mother didn’t like him. Nonetheless, she prayed about him after he left.

After that prayer, she has been seeing him in his dreams. “God has been revealing to me that this is the man you are supposed to marry,” she told me. I explained to her that I don’t have any amorous feelings for him. She didn’t care, “It doesn’t matter how you feel. This man is from God. You must marry him.” Mind you, there are other men who also want to marry me. But my mum has turned all of them away. She insists Kwesi is the man who will make me happy.

I’m confused, anxious, and scared about my future because of all this. How can I marry a man I don’t want to get intimate with? At first, I thought it was all in my head but if after all these years nothing has changed, then I don’t think it is. I even broke up with him to set him free but he always comes back to me.

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Just like my mother, he also has the gift of dreams and prophecy. And he too says God has revealed to him that I am his wife. My question is, why is everyone dreaming about my marriage except me? I have prayed about him several times but I haven’t seen anything about him yet.

I am scared that my mother is right. If she is, I would have to marry Kwesi. But how can I go to the altar with him knowing very well that I don’t love him? This is my dilemma. There are people you meet and have no interest in, but when you start talking to them you fall in love with their personality. Eventually, you grow to love all of them. Unfortunately, this is not the case with Kwesi.

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I am tired of fighting for all of it to make sense. So I have decided to go ahead and marry him. After all, he is a good man. I have heard people say that good men are hard to find. But then again, people also say that good is not enough to make one happy. Some of my married friends tell me, “If you are not careful, you will marry a man you detest, and you will never be able to overlook his flaws. Love matters in marriage.”

So here I am, wondering if I can fall in love with him after we get married. Is it possible for that to happen? Even if it doesn’t happen, is it worth the risk? Is anyone here currently married to someone they don’t love? Tell me, do you regret your decision? Or you are happy regardless?

—Jossy

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