I call her Joy Joyce. That’s not her real name. It’s a nickname we gave to someone as a joke but it became her nickname along the line. The name that used to invoke laughter now just fills my heart with heaviness. Every time my phone rings I expect to see her name on my screen, only to end up disappointed that she is not the one calling me. She is the one who introduced me to this page so I am sharing our story here with the hope that she will see it and understand how much I love her.
When I met Joy, she had a very active sexual life. She had a boyfriend she was doing it with, and she didn’t mind telling me about some of her experiences. I am not one to judge anyone for what they choose to do with their body so I didn’t have a problem with her lifestyle. Me, I am the exact opposite of her when it comes to sexuality.
I also had a boyfriend but we were not sexually active. That was our agreement. That we wouldn’t have shuperu until marriage. Joy didn’t know this. She just assumed that my boyfriend and I were doing it. And I didn’t want her to see me in a different light or feel pressured by my lifestyle so I didn’t tell her the truth. I just enjoyed her company just as she did mine.
One thing we have in common is our love of parties. We would also go clubbing together when we felt like it. If there’s an event that is supposed to be filled with music, dancing, and alcohol, you would likely find us there. When we want to dress like bad bitches, we do it with pride. We give slay queens a run for their money. Despite our fun-loving personalities, we can only handle drinks that have 5% alcohol. We don’t smoke. It’s all about showing up to have fun and live in the moment.
I’m a nurse while she is in a different career field. So I take care of her health care needs. I know she is sexually active so I advised her on birth control methods and suggested the one I believed would serve her needs and prevent pregnancy.
One time she didn’t renew her contraceptive and ended up getting pregnant. “What are you going to do about it?” I asked her. She looked distraught as she said, “What else can I do? I can’t have a baby right now. We just went back to school, remember?” I understood her and supported her decision. I told her, “If you want to get rid of it then it has to be safely done. Come to the hospital where I work at. They will take good care of you.” After the procedure, she came to stay with me till she recovered and resumed work.
Along the line, my boyfriend and I started having problems. He started demanding shuperu. I wasn’t ready to do it but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. This led to constant fights until we broke up.
After the breakup, I told Joy that I was taking a break from men and she stood by me. One day we were supposed to attend a wedding together but my work didn’t permit me. So she went alone. I was home after work when she called me. She said, “I ran into your ex at the wedding and something happened. We need to talk.” She sounded upset so I hurried over to her place.
When I got there she was crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked this question several times but she just kept crying. I was very confused and heartbroken at the sight of her. I consoled her for about thirty minutes before she calmed down. The first thing she told me was, “Your ex sent me a message to give to you. He said you should take him back and that he is sorry for insisting you let him break you while you are not yet married.”
I tried to explain the situation but she had more to say. “Can you imagine my shock when I found out from him that you are a virgin? I had to pretend I already knew, in order to save face. Why would you hide something like this from me?” The more she spoke, the angrier she got. “I thought you were my friend but I was wrong. You are a wicked person. I hate you.”
I tried to explain to her that some people wish to keep themselves until marriage while others do not. I happen to be on one end of this while she is on the other end. And I didn’t want to let it affect our friendship. That’s why I never brought it up.
She shook her head and said, “That’s not the point. You let me believe we were in this life together while you were practising abstinence. You watch me date married men. Heck, you even helped me get rid of a pregnancy. But you never for once, advised me to stop. You never tried to tell me that living a chaste life is good. You put me on family planning to encourage me to keep having shuperu knowing very well that you are not doing anything yourself. How can you call yourself my friend? I don’t want to see you again, leave!” I thought she would calm down but she screamed at me until I left her place.
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I have tried to reach out to her ever since but all my efforts have failed. I have been to her workplace but she will not hear me out. The fourth time I went there she told me if she ever sees me there again she will call their security on me. I went to her house and she threatened to call the police on me. I sent her gifts on her birthday but she rejected them and the delivery guy had to return them to me.
Her mother believes she is right. She says, “If you were a good friend, you would have advised her to change. You wouldn’t have watched her do everything she does when you know very well that you haven’t even had sex before and you wouldn’t do it until marriage.” That’s the point they are not getting. I don’t judge her for her choices. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her being sexually active. It is just not something I want to do until I am married. Can’t we be different and still be friends?
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I love her so much that our falling out has impacted my life. I was even hospitalized because of it. I have lost weight. This hurts more than any break-up I have ever experienced. I can’t imagine a life where we are not friends. I was hoping she would forgive me eventually but she has blocked me on every channel I could communicate with her on. Maybe she is right. Maybe I haven’t been a good friend, and for that, I am sorry.
Joy Joyce, I know you will read this. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. Even if you will never have me back as a friend, know that I love you very much. I am forever grateful that I met a beautiful soul like you. Keep being an amazing person. When I have kids someday, I’ll them all about you. I will let them know that you were good to me but I was a bad friend to you. I miss you so much.
—Peace
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You had a right to remain chaste till marriage. Your friend was right in a way. You as a nurse should know about the health effects of abortion, yet you supported her. Being a good friend does not mean only supporting each other but to tell each when one is going wrong. She was true to you but you were not to true to her. Even though you meant no harm. Sometimes our good intentions lead to some harm being done. Leave her to heal. Never commit such a mistake again .supposing she was to kill someone you would support her blindly by saying that’s what friends do . That’s not being a good friend .you were just leading her to destruction nothing else. Now she has seen the kind of person you made yourself to be inorder to please her. In a way you were being fake. Don’t give up. If she forgives you then fine, if not move on.
A grown woman cannot blame you for her life choices simply because you were friends . She was already sexually active before you became friends and even if she was not she has no right to blame you for her life choices. And her mom isnt she the one who is supposed to guide her daughter on the right path ,if she failed her daughter by not guiding her well,she also shoul not push it on someone else’s daughter. Its annoying really. Two people met and formed a friendship one choose to be chaste the other choose not to. Her body her choice and her life. Don’t beat yourself about an adult womans choice in her own life. You dont even owe her any explanations. How she choose to live her life wasn’t your responsibility , that falls on her parents. You both had different upbringing and it has reflected in your adult life. Be at peace.
You don’t judge but since you have choosing the right path , why didn’t you advice her on it ? You almost do everything together that lead to hell but the best decision that pleases God and your health u never made with her . Wat if the procedure didn’t go well and she got some complications ( loosing her womb or etc) or even lose her life. You have been a selfish friend though. Take heart and learn your lessons . I think she reading this, she will definitely forgive you. Let her be and move on.
Wait oh. How many of your friends haven’t done things against your advise. Did she advise her to do an abortion safely or ask her to abort? I cannot belief you guys are blaming her for what her crazy friend did. When did she become her moral compass. When did it become her responsibility to decide which men she dated, or slept with. How can someone be angry learning that her friend is a virgin when she was already fornicating before they became friends?were they all virgins, signed a pact to remain so and the friends
advised they loose their virginity whiles keeping hers? Please stop blaming her for having a freak of a friend. My dear, you do not need a person like Joyce for a friend. Let her be. your life is not tied to being her
friend.
Friendships come with benefits, you failed your part for her to benefit from you. You knew the benefits of living in a chaste Life.
Use all you can to apologize to her.
Peace as your name implies has made you restless, sorry such is life. Life we say is a learning grounds hence even if your loved ones become thorns in your flesh just learn to let go and leave the rest to God, He’ll put things in order for you.
What I want to admonish you of is, my dear in your next life when you get the chance to rebuke, admonish and correct in love please do it if not for any reason for their salvation sake because you might save them…
Peace to you
Shalom 🙏🙏
Wait oh. How many of your friends haven’t done things against your advise. Did she advise her to do an abortion safely or ask her to abort? I cannot belief you guys are blaming her for what her crazy friend did. When did she become her moral compass. When did it become her responsibility to decide which men she dated, or slept with. How can someone be angry learning that her friend is a virgin when she was already fornicating before they became friends?were they all virgins, signed a pact to remain so and the friends
advised they loose their virginity whiles keeping hers? Please stop blaming her for having a freak of a friend. My dear, you do not need a person like Joyce for a friend. Let her be. your life is not tied to being her
friend.
Now this is the irony. Many Christian will miss heaven because they let those within their circle think they could do as they like. If a friend can be offended because someone she called a friend could not advise her on life choices. Think about what the judge of all flesh and our family and friends will think of us when judgement day arrive. Eevangelise to them. Tell them sinning has wages -death/ forever separation from God the father.
May God have mercy on us.
My real answer: Your friend is right. I cannot explain it all. But if you never on one occasion presented an alternative to her for her to reject, then she is correct. Keep trying to reach out to her. Even rocks soften after constant pouring of water.
Take care though
Very typical of the average woman- deflecting blame onto the other person… and not rather accepting to be accountable for her actions..
Aside she wanting her friend to have told her something, didn’t she ever read, hear or see, anything somewhere related to its negative repercussions… Eeiii asem oo..
SisTa Shalom..lol…
Love your friend from a distance..
But until she decides to accept to be accountable for her actions and whatever guilt she is feeling…. You guys being ok again won’t work.
Morever.. you are being logical about the issue.. She is being emotional about it….Conclusion she won’t get it..(typical man and woman having an argument)..
P.S.
Women and accountablity..accountability…
Hmmmm😔