Why Do My Men Keep Choosing Other Women Over Me?

The last guy I dated came into my life through a mutual friend. By then I had just finished recovering from a failed relationship. This new guy was honey-tongued with a smooth personality. At my age, I figured I am not getting any younger so why not give him a chance? He spoke about how serious he was to build a future with me. And I was smitten.

Things were going great until we decided to open up about our past relationships. He told me, “I was in love with this lady called Selorm. She made me feel there was a chance for us. So I followed her around for two years. I did all I could to win her love. But in the end, she rejected me. She told me I am not her class. That’s why I was single when you found me.”

I felt sad for him but he said it was all in the past. He even said he was glad it didn’t work out. And that if it did, he wouldn’t have met me. I felt so special. When he asked about my past, I didn’t hold anything back.

I explained, “Kofi and I were happily together. We had plans to get married. That’s how serious we were about each other. I thought we were on the same page until I found out that he cheated on me with a married woman and even had a baby with the woman. All this happened under my nose but I didn’t see it. When I left, I was so broken but I healed. And now have you so I suppose it’s all good.”

After this revelation, we became so close. Although he told me he doesn’t make a big deal out of birthdays, I called him at midnight on his birthday. I wanted to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. Unfortunately, someone beat me to it. When I called him, he was already on a call. I don’t know who he was talking to but he didn’t call me back after the call ended. Regardless, I surprised him with a gift during the day. He loved it so much so I was happy.

A month after his birthday was my birthday. He didn’t buy me any birthday gifts. He didn’t even say, “Babe, happy birthday.” But I understood that birthdays are not a big deal to him so I didn’t get upset.

Could you believe that a month later, he called to ask me to help him plan a surprise for his investor’s birthday? I was surprised but I didn’t say anything. I helped him. After all, it had to do with business so why not support my man?

A month after that, he posted a lady’s photo with captivating captions to celebrate her birthday. He didn’t use his main number. He had this number that people didn’t know. I only had it because he used it to call me when he had an emergency and I saved it. So he thought I wouldn’t see the post. The most shocking part was that the lady he posted was Selorm, the person who rejected him. I was deeply hurt by this.

I called him several times to ask what was going on but he didn’t pick up. I texted him too but he didn’t respond. He just disappeared on me. This happened only four months into the relationship.

I sat down and analyzed our entire relationship. I was so sure that we were very close in the entire four months we were together. I thought of all the times we stayed on the phone on video calls. Sometimes we even fell asleep with our cameras on so it would feel like we were sleeping next to each other. So it didn’t make sense when he suddenly broke communication with me. I don’t know what I did wrong.

A month after he ghosted me, he came back. He offered no explanations for his absence. All he said was, “I am sorry you haven’t heard from me in a while. I had to take some time off to figure a few things out. And after everything I have decided that we should just be friends.” I was shocked. “How can you go off and make a decision about our relationship without involving me?” I asked him. He couldn’t answer me. All he said was that he was sorry.

Once again I was heartbroken by yet another man who promised never to hurt me. This is not the first time I have experienced this. That’s what made it so painful. Every man I have fallen in love with always has a woman lurking in the shadows. One moment, we are happy. And the next moment, they have their eyes set on someone else. To the best of my knowledge, I don’t do these men any wrong. I love them wholeheartedly and they break my heart in return.

At this point, I feel like I am the only person on this earth who is so unlucky in love. All I ask for is a man who will love me and choose me in the end. Am I asking for too much? Is it too difficult to make a commitment to someone and stick to it? I am tired of making emotional investments in men who turn around and leave me with no explanation. The pain I feel now cannot be captured with words, honestly.

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I am not boasting but I don’t look bad at all. I have a good job so I don’t demand money from the men I date. So why can’t I get a man in my thirties? What do other women do differently that I don’t?

I know some people will say I ignored the red flags, and honestly, I saw some signs with this guy that should have warned me off. For the first part, he spoke very passionately about this Selorm lady while we were dating. I felt uncomfortable so I asked if he still had feelings for her. He got offended and denied it so vehemently. I had no choice but to believe him.

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Another sign I believe I ignored was when he cancelled a date with me to stay home and play video games. I didn’t pay much attention to it until he ghosted me and came back that we should be friends. As I write this, he insists he wants to be my friend. I told him, “Allow me to hold on to my last shred of dignity and preserve my mental health. I can’t be your friend.”

He doesn’t want to leave me alone. I am doing my best to stay away from him but a part of me still likes him. Please help me out. How do I get rid of him for good?

—Enam