Should I Tell My Boyfriend That I Am A Married Woman?

I am the last born and only girl among seven children. The last of my brothers is almost fifteen years older than me. Which means, my mother had me when she was quite old. She used to travel a lot on weekends for funerals. So she would ask one of my brothers to sleep in the same room with me and watch over me. This happened almost every weekend.

I don’t remember how it happened or when it even started. All I know is that by the time I was in primary six my brother was sleeping with me. For some reason, I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I think he must have conditioned me not to rat him out. I honestly don’t know how to explain it but I also didn’t know it was wrong.

When I got to JHS, I had a male friend who was making advances at me. Because of my experience with my brother, I knew what the guy wanted. One day he tried to touch me when we were alone. I panicked and told him, “I can’t do that with you. I already did it with my brother.” Whatever he wanted disappeared from his face and was replaced with concern. He started asking questions, “Which of your brothers?” “What exactly did he do to you?”

When I explained everything to him he was horrified, “This is wrong. This should never have happened. Oh God, your own brother was defiling you.” He asked me about my brother’s whereabouts. I told him my brother traveled so it stopped. He didn’t try to touch me again. He just became my friend.

However, after he explained what my brother did to me, I became angry. I felt wronged. Why would someone who was supposed to protect me prey on me and rob me of my innocence before I was old enough to understand my body? He had travelled but I began to hate him. I believe I still hate him. I wanted to tell my mother what happened but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words.

It took me a long time to open up and tell my mother everything. She said she had no idea what was going on. Then she told me, “It happened in the past so let it go. Your brother is not even here. When he comes to town, we will talk about it. But until then, don’t repeat any of this to anyone. Nothing good will come out of people knowing, trust me. I lived with my uncle when I was young, and he did the same thing to me. But I survived. You will also survive if you put it behind you.” What could I have done after this speech from my mother?

Although I felt she dismissed my pain, I just bottled everything up and moved on. At some point, I had to go and stay with my eldest brother so he would take care of me. The treatment I received from him and his wife was very unpleasant, but I endured it until I completed school. After school, I wanted to move out of the house but I didn’t want to come across as ungrateful. So I continued to stay with them until I met Ebenezer.

At that time I was twenty-four and working. Eben was a nice young man who expressed interest in me. I told him my story, not the horror part of my childhood. Just the one about the ill-treatment I received from my brother and his wife. “I want to move out but if I go and rent my own place, they will talk. The best thing is for me to get married. That’s the only way I can leave.” After narrating my story Eben said, “Marry me then. I will take good care of you and you won’t have to continue living here.” I didn’t love him but I said yes.

We’ve been married for seven years but our marriage has no peace. We fight about everything. His touch feels like sandpaper on my skin. It reminds me of my brother’s touch. Shuperu with him is a duty I endure. I think the fact that I am with a man I don’t love triggers the memories I tried so hard to bury. This is one of the things we fight about. He doesn’t know the genesis of my behaviour. Only that it is an inconvenience to him.

One time things got so bad that we decided to get a divorce. While we were yet to start the divorce proceedings, we separated. I enrolled in school to further my education. So I moved to a place close to my school and took our child with me.

It was at that time that I met a man. He is much older than me. I had no interest in him whatsoever. We were just friends. He showed me some documents and explained that he was going through a divorce. So I decided to set him up with one of my single friends.

In the process of doing that, the man turned around and said he loves me. He asked me, “I have met your son but you’ve never mentioned his father. Is the man still in the picture?” At that time, Eben and I were truly going ahead with our divorce but I wasn’t ready to talk about it. So I told the man, “I am in the process of doing something. When I finish, I will tell you my story.” He said okay.

I never agreed to be with him. I didn’t reject him either, so he took my silence as yes. He buys stuff for my son and gives me money for his upkeep. He sees me as a single mother so he provides for my needs as well. He treats me like a porcelain doll that will break if handled roughly. He makes me feel safe. And when he touches me, I don’t feel triggered. That’s how I know I love him.

Now, this is my problem. Eben and I were advised against getting a divorce. I come from a Christian home so my family didn’t support it. We were made to go for counselling. But it didn’t help. We are still married, and we continue to fight about everything. Now that we live far apart, it’s even worse.

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He suspects that there is another man in the picture but he doesn’t have proof. All he knows is that, when a particular number calls me, I become happy. He has complained and picked fights with me over it, but then again, we fight about everything. So I take it as one of those things.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, but he still doesn’t know that I am married. This is the first time I have ever loved a man so the feeling is so intense. When we have problems, I feel deep pain. When we are in a good place, I am extremely happy. Honestly, I know I will be happy if I were to marry him.

We Agreed To Be Friends With Benefit | Silent Beads

However, my marriage is not something I can easily walk away from. Even if I do get a divorce from my husband, I don’t want it to be because of my infidelity. I want it to be because of our numerous unresolved problems. So I tried to break up with my boyfriend so I could give my marriage one last try. However, it’s hard. Every time I leave him, I run back to him. I know I can’t keep doing this to either of them.

I would hate for my boyfriend to find out he has been dating a married woman. It will break him. That’s why I want to let him go first before the truth comes out. Another part of me also wants to come clean. I feel like if I tell him the truth, he will leave me. That way I won’t go running back to him. But I know the truth will hurt him badly. What do I do? How do I get myself out of this mess? Please, I need help.

—Angela