The day I met my husband, if someone had prophesied to me that he would become my husband, I would have laughed and called the person mad. I met him when I went to submit paperwork for a position I was vying for in my third year at the University. I got to the department and met him standing there with my friend and roommate, Adwoa. Immediately she saw me, she shouted “Nana, meet my long-time friend, Kwaku.” I said a rude “hello” and continued my mission.
Later that day, Adwoa texted me saying Kwaku asked a lot about me and wanted to be friends. There and then I thought, “Ha, who is this one too?” I told Adwoa I had no interest in befriending him and that he should never dream of us being friends. Adwoa said that was a bit rude but I didn’t care. I had no interest in being friends with some tall dude with a bit of muscle who was also called Kwaku. I know tall guys. Especially the ones called Kwaku. I know how they creep into your life, give you a chest to lean on, give you the best hugs, and then break your heart.
All my life I had dreamt of being with a tall guy until the guy I gave my heart to showed me pepper in different flavours and spices. That broken heart nearly killed me. I became a shadow of myself. I could neither eat nor sleep. My parents and siblings asked severally what was wrong but I couldn’t tell them. This continued for months till I decided to pull myself together and face my life. When I got better I gave my education my all and avoided men, especially tall guys called Kwaku.
But this Kwaku was persistent. He would give my friend Adwoa messages daily to deliver to me. He would call Adwoa and ask to speak to me, which I always politely declined. But he never gave up.
Adwoa told me he had completed University about two years earlier and had just been employed at my department as a research assistant. Coincidentally, he offered the same course we were offering. I also got to know he was good at manifesto writing. He was also a good campaign manager. That piqued my interest so I finally decided to be his friend.
The plan was he would help me win the elections at a discounted price. After all, what are friends for? He would call me daily and we’d practice the election interview on the phone. When the time came, I passed the interview and progressed to the next stage.
When the time for manifesto reading was up, this guy whooped up a speech that could easily make someone president in this country and I won the election in a landslide victory.
My joy knew no bounds and I was very thankful and appreciative of him. What even surprised me more was when he decided he wasn’t going to take the discounted payment we had earlier agreed on from me. And so we became a four-person gang; me, Adwoa, Kwaku, and Adwoa’s man, Kwame. We went on friend dates together. And the friendship bloomed even after Adwoa and I completed school.
One thing I noticed was that Kwaku never offered to pay the bill when we went out. So it was always between me, Adwoa, and Kwame.
Around the same time we were doing our National Service, Kwaku won a scholarship to study an accelerated PhD program in the States. We were all happy for him. I was with him when he went through all his processes, and it was at this time that we got closer.
It was also at this point that he proposed love to me but I was only interested in being his friend. “I will come back and marry you as soon as I complete my PhD,” he promised. He said we could even get married whenever I was ready, but I wasn’t moved. So he involved our friends, who were at the time preparing for their wedding. After they spoke to me, I decided to give Kwaku a chance.
Shortly before he left the shores of Ghana, Adwoa and Kwame tied the knot and we served as the best man and maid of honour. Throughout the day, Kwaku would not shut up about how our wedding too would be beautiful.
I’d say Kwaku is the most caring man I’ve ever been with. Whenever we walked together, he would hold my bag in one hand and my hand in the other. I would visit him, and he would cook. He wouldn’t let me lift a finger even when I insisted I wanted to help or share chores. This man would care for me and feed me when I’m ill.
I remember one time before he left, we spent the weekend together and that was when I heard my grandfather had passed. The news triggered an untimely menstruation because my grandfather meant a lot to me. Kwaku bathed me, cleaned me up, run and got me a period package and washed the stained sheets and undies. This endeared him to me more.
However, one thing I noticed that I complained severally about was his attitude toward giving and spending. My love languages are gifts giving, physical touch, and acts of service. And so on his birthdays and random days, I’d spoil him silly. I’d send him all forms of gifts. Even when he was in the US, I still found ways to get him gifts and favours.
Thankfully, I come from a comfortable home so I don’t lack anything. I only expected him to get me gifts occasionally, but he didn’t. Before he left Ghana, he never gave me anything. I remember there was a time when I misplaced my purse. I asked him for money. He ignored me completely. When I brought it up again, he gave me excuses for the many uses he has for his money.
I spoke to him several times about his stinginess and he promised to change but I saw no changes. As I said, my home is comfortable and I was working too so I just ignored the problem. I felt he would learn and change along the way.
Six years after our first encounter, and after four years of long-distance dating, Kwaku and I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony full of beautiful smiles and beautiful people. Honestly, my heart was happy. My family helped us a lot during the wedding preparations and the ceremony itself.
Right after our marriage, we moved in together and my husband got a lecturing appointment through some strings my dad pulled in one of the Universities. We have been married for two years with a child.
My husband has other businesses alongside his lecturing job and yet he always complains about having no money. He teaches in other private universities as well and yet he is always broke. He gives the entire house GHC800 per month as housekeeping money. I am not able to take care of all our needs with that amount of money. So I have to top up all the time. That’s something I don’t mind doing.
My concern is how he always has money for his mum and siblings anytime they ask. Sometimes, he gives them money more than thrice a month and yet when it comes to me and his own son, he doesn’t have. Whenever I suggest that we go out for fun or on trips, he would give me a million and one reasons why he’s broke. Sometimes he would say all those activities are not necessary.
Because of this, I pay the bills anytime we eat out. When we go out with friends, I pay for that as well. My dad takes care of our son because we named the boy after him. And since my husband realized my dad sends money every month for the boy, anytime the boy is out of diapers or anything else, my husband asks me to call my dad. You would think he gave birth to our boy purposely for my dad. So if I don’t buy whatever the boy is lacking myself, he would not pay for it.
I like it when my man spoils me. The previous guys I dated before my husband, I didn’t have to ask before they would give. They gave freely and out of love. But not my husband. Since I’ve known him for these past six years, he has only given me two birthday gifts. The first was when we were just friends and the second was on our wedding day which was my birthday as well. Meanwhile, on his birthdays I go all out for him.
I have random lunch baskets sent to his office at least once a week. On his 35th birthday, I threw him a surprise office party. But my husband would never give me anything or go to this extent for me.
The recent thing that really got to me was when I asked him for money to fuel my car because I had just paid school fees for myself and our son’s daycare. This man responded, “I don’t have any money. I was even going to ask you for money for the week.” Can you believe this? And true to his words, he didn’t give me a dime.
Funny enough, that very day he wired almost ten times the amount I asked for, to his elder brother for a business. I found out because he used my laptop for his emails and his bank sent confirmation of transfer. When I saw the message I cried. I cried as if I had lost someone. When I got back from work that evening, I made a bill order of different stews and soups for him. After that, I packed a bag and went with our son to my parents’ house.
It’s been two weeks and I don’t want to go back. He texts every morning to ask how we are doing and that’s it. He doesn’t care that we are gone. He hasn’t even asked why we left. Neither has he sent money for our son’s upkeep.
At this point, I am not only tired of his behaviour. I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted. I have told my parents that I am not going back to the marriage but they feel this is something we can resolve. They have no idea what I’ve had to endure. They have no idea the number of times we have had conversations about this attitude of his. I ask myself, “ What would have been my life if I wasn’t working too? What would have been my life if I couldn’t take care of my son? Or if my dad didn’t take responsibility for the boy?” I no longer want the marriage because what I have now is what they call “Outside gentility, home cry.” My husband prefers to give money to his family and outsiders than me and his son.
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Before I left our matrimonial home, we attended the christening of one of his colleagues and my husband threw money about like it was no big deal. This was someone who complained right before we left home about a dip in his finances.
One time he told me he feels my dad is rich and I grew up rich so he doesn’t know how to satisfy me when it comes to money. But what is the traditional role of a man in a marriage? Is it not to take care of his wife and children? Why can’t my husband do the same? Why must I beg him to do for me what he easily does outside for his friends and family? Was I wrong in Showing him love and showering him with money and gifts in the early stage of our relationship and throughout the marriage? Is there something I am not doing right?
We Agreed To Be Friends With Benefit | Silent Beads
My parents insist this isn’t a matter that warrants divorce. My friend Adwoa believes he will change if I keep talking to him. My father’s lawyer also says this isn’t grounds enough for divorce. He says if it’s not a matter of life and death, the court would ask us to resolve it. But I am exhausted. I cannot go on with this charade of a marriage. I’ll rather be single than be in a marriage where my husband sees no need to support his wife because she is rich and has a job.
He is not a child. He knows what is wrong and what is right. He knows he has to take care of his wife and children. So since I am taking care of the boy alone with the help of my dad, I don’t think I need a husband. Because the only thing in the marriage is the sex and the care he gives me. Yes, he helps me around the house and takes care of our son when we are together. But it hurts my heart that he doesn’t help with money. His family is aware of the situation, yet there have been no changes. That’s why I want a complete annulment of the marriage. Am I right to want out?
—Nana
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#SB
You are wrong . In a way you should have taught twice before marrying him. My dear don’t enter into a relationship with the idea of changing him. You have spoken to him but there is still no change . He is a good husband and a father don’t let what he is doing get to you. When his birthday comes just wish him.Instead of spending on him ,save it for something that can yield more profit. Y don’t you tell your dad to take care of his grandson less because of the way your dad is treating your child that’s y your husband is behaving this way. Life is not all about presents but in way you are right he should be satisfy your needs to . He who sees a fight and runs away lives to fight another. If you want things right you have to use patience , endurance and last but not the least communication. At the end of the day the ball is in your court. Divorce is not the answer to every thing. Only God can change him. Take all your worries to God in prayers.
Yes,don’t give him a fimw on his birthday and see how he’ll react. He says he feels you grew up rich,so you’re rich?
Then don’t spoil him with gifts. Don’t support his claims or thoughts;that you’re rich.
Save that money for yourself and for contingencies-anyrhibg can happen,plus the fact that currently,he won’t and might not be reliable if you’re with no job.
But,keep communicating,while teaching him lessons.
But will have a giving heart,to those you want to. He should be the exception.
Al the best,Nana