I met Bernard when I was at the university pursuing my first degree. We were in the same department so we ran into each other almost every day. Through our encounters, we eventually became friends. There were signs that he wanted to be more than a friend. But my heart was with someone else. And I ended up dating that person.
During our National Youth Service days, Bernard finally came forward and confessed his love for me. I had convinced myself that we would only be friends so his profession came as a surprise to me. However, I looked back at all the signs he showed me in the past and realized he was bound to finally say it.
He knows I am not the type to date casually so he told me, “Kate, someday, I’ll get married to you.” By then I was single so I accepted his proposal. We were both twenty-four then, trying to carve our paths in life. One thing that united us is our dream to study abroad.
Everything was going smoothly until he started requesting nude photos. Although our relationship was a long-distance one, I refused to send him my nude photos. We argued about this several times but I didn’t yield. I vividly recall an evening when I was excitedly submitting my application for a master’s program in Japan. This guy ruined my excitement when he called to confess that he cheated on me with his ex.
His voice was filled with pain and sadness. “I feel so guilty for doing it. Please, forgive me,” he said. I found myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. I asked myself if I should forgive him for his honesty or move on from the relationship altogether.
“Why did he think it necessary to confess his sins? He could have kept it to himself,” I thought. As someone who practised sexual purity, I decided it was best to distance myself from him.
Walking away from Bernard broke my heart but I knew it was essential to do that so I could stay true to my values. After the breakup, I spoke to some of my male friends about what happened. They told me he cheated because of my old-fashioned values so I should take him back and make a compromise for the sake of the relationship. Despite their pressure, I stood firm in my resolve.
After a while, Bernard left the country to pursue his studies in Spain, and I also embarked on my own adventure and headed to Japan. Three years after our National Youth Service, Bernard persistently tried to win back my heart. However, I made it clear that I wanted to remain friends. This led to a lot of arguments between us. At one point, I even blocked him for an entire year.
However, fate had other plans. I unblocked him when he sent me birthday wishes in a general group we both belonged to. I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let me go. I saw myself as the slimmest of ladies. I don’t have the typical African woman body that African men desire so much. I didn’t think my face was exceptionally beautiful either. This gave me the impression that he must truly love me.
So we reconnected and began a long-distance relationship. We dated on and off, but through it all, we managed to remain good friends. The distance did not pose as a challenge but other things did. We faced financial challenges. I was barely surviving and so was he. We were talking one evening when he told me; “Things are so bad for me. I haven’t paid my rent and my lord is threatening to evict me.” It pained me to hear him in such distress. I had no choice but to borrow money from a friend and send it to him so he could at least have a place to sleep.
After everything, I sat down to think about Bernard’s predicament. This is a person who comes from a wealthy family. His father holds a prominent position in the government, so why is he broke in a foreign country? I spoke to friends and they said Bernard had become estranged from his family. I asked him about it but he refused to discuss it.
As someone who had previously been vocal about his family during our time together, this sudden silence made me uneasy. I encouraged him to open up and share his feelings, but each attempt only led to more arguments and strained communication.
From what I could gather, it seemed his parents didn’t support his decision to leave the country, so they withdrew any financial aid he needed.
Things were hard for us but he continued to shower me with endearments and expressions of love.
Along the line, I had brief flings with two other people. This happened when Bernard and I broke up. I was trying to move on but Bernard was always present in my thoughts. So the relationship came to an end. After that I found myself jotting down wedding plans in my diary. I envisioned a happy life with someone I deeply cared about.
The first time I penned those wedding plans was for September 2020, and the second time was for June 2021. I now realize that these were the times when I reconnected with Bernard, and perhaps, deep down, he was always on my mind.
In the enchanting month of May 2023, fate led me to attend a work seminar in Italy. I shared this exciting news with Bernard, and he was genuinely interested in my journey. He asked to see me and that made my heart flutter. He offered to fly all the way just to be with me. I was both excited and nervous at the thought.
Bernard’s unwavering love for me never failed to amaze me. He often expressed that he felt as though we were already married. His affectionate gestures continued, as he sent me cash to buy things during my stay in Italy. This deepened my affection for him.
In a matter of days, we reunited in the captivating backdrop of Italy, after eight long years of being apart. To truly immerse ourselves in each other’s company, we decided to rent the same apartment and experience what it would be like to live together. Although our time together was peaceful, we spent most of it in silence. That’s because we were both introverts.
I was more extroverted than him, so I was the one who initiated most of our conversations. If I don’t talk first, we would just quietly watch each other for hours. This sometimes made me sad because I longed for deeper conversations and emotional connections. One time, I found myself silently shedding tears as I watched Bernard sleep, blissfully unaware of the emotional turmoil brewing within me.
It was a moment of introspection. I wondered if I could spend the rest of my life with him and be happy. How can you be happy with someone who enjoys silence? It bothered me to think about it but I crafted an itinerary that allowed us to explore Italy together. We visited beautiful places, shared laughter, and captured cute photos that forever hold memories of our time there together.
As enchanting as our moments were, doubts about our relationship lingered in my heart. While Bernard professed his love and commitment, I grappled with uncertainties about our future. Our differences, especially regarding his estrangement from his family, left me questioning whether we were truly meant to be.
We argued a lot, mostly about his relationship with his family. He once stated that he would end any relationship with someone who insisted on involving his parents in their affairs. This is why I broke up with him in the past. So when he came back to me, I thought the issue was resolved, but I found out that it wasn’t.
I mistakenly boarded the wrong flight when we were leaving Italy. And Bernard cancelled his trip and arranged an extra night at the apartment so I wouldn’t have to be alone. This thing he did has completely won my heart. However, he is still estranged from his parents so I feel conflicted.
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He knows this is something I am concerned about so he has promised to reach out to them. I have been praying for him, and God being so good, his parents have started calling him. The problem is, he refuses to answer their calls. His approach to this issue is frustrating me.
Apart from his problems with his parents, the distance between us is also a challenge. I live in Japan while he lives in Spain. We can’t seem to agree on the country we should both live in. This is why I am here. How can I be with a man who doesn’t talk to his family? Also, how can we be a couple when we both live in different countries? I need advice. He loves me but he has issues. Should I stay by his side while he works through his problems? Or do I forget about him and move on with someone else?
—Kate
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