When my ex-wife and I got separated I was a wreck. It was never in my wildest dream that I would become a divorcé. The day I said my wedding vows was one of the happiest days of my life. I looked at my wife and imagined us growing old together. I imagined that we would die together, even. This is why I felt like a complete failure when my marriage fell apart. It seemed like my life had spiralled out of control, and I was powerless to get a grip on things.
I knew that the best course of action was to move on but I was in no mental state to do that. So I focused all my energy on rebuilding my business and taking care of my emotional and mental health. It’s been over five years now and I’m in a better place. My divorce was finalized along the line but I have taken it all in good faith.
My business is doing well, and I am at peace with my past. A few months ago I decided to get back out there and find love again. I didn’t know the dating world had changed that much until I started dating again. Or maybe it hasn’t changed at all. It’s probably always been this way but I didn’t get to experience some of the things I am now facing.
All I am looking for is someone I can build a solid relationship with. I want a second chance love. I want a woman I can share my heart and my home with. You know, the kind of person who would love me for who I am and not what I can give them. I felt like I had lost my touch when it comes to meeting women, so I started with online dating. I sighed up on Tinder and Bumble. I must confess that the situation out there is crazy.
Most of the women I have met and interacted with seemed interested in getting to know me. We would talk on a personal level and arrange a meeting. We wouldn’t even go beyond two dates before they start requesting favours. They are always subtle about it but I am not a child. I am in my forties. Which is to say that I know when I am being used.
We would be texting on the phone or texting, only for them to say, “Hun, I am ordering lunch. Would you pay for it for me?” I would say, “Of course, I’ve got you.” The next thing I will hear is, “I am running late so I am ordering a ride to work. Will you please pay for it?” It’s either that or, “Please, I have exhausted my transportation budget for the rest of the month. Can you send me some money to take care of that?” I thought these women wouldn’t go beyond food and transportation support but I was wrong.
I have met women who fall seriously ill immediately after our first date. They would ask me to pay their hospital bills and buy expensive medications for their recovery. The question I always asked myself is, “How will these women have taken care of their health if they hadn’t met me?” There are others who would lament about how their bosses haven’t paid their salaries for months. They wouldn’t directly ask me for money but it’s obvious that’s what they want.
There are others who ask me to provide data bundles for them. Someone even asked me to buy her a new phone. This is someone I had just met. One of the strangest requests I received was a demand for shuperu. This woman told me point-blank that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She just wanted a good time. This was when I realized that there was a problem somewhere.
I grew up in a culture where women have to be wooed, feel loved, and even promised marriage before they would consider intimacy with a man. So I was shocked when I met someone who wasn’t interested in getting to know me. She just wanted to use me for sex. I am not that kind of man. I am a hopeless romantic if you ask me. I want to get to know someone, form a connection with them, and fall in love with them before I even consider taking them to bed.
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I am also a generous guy who likes to spoil my woman. However, the women I have gone on dates with for the past few months have given me the impression that today’s woman is only out there looking for financial support instead of love.
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My friends tell me to just enjoy the moment. “Give the girls what they want. It’s not like you can’t afford it. In return, you will get your pound of flesh. Everybody wins.” The truth of the matter is that I can’t live my life like that. Life is too short for me to spend it chasing fun and frivolity. I want to find love, the kind that will last me for a lifetime.
I am monogamous by all standards so I don’t want a woman I have to share with someone else. However, it looks like the relationships available these days require payment before love. If I have to pay a woman to earn their love, does it mean I am paying for the intimacy that comes with being with them? What’s wrong with just liking someone for who they are and enjoying them as they are? Or am I the problem? Maybe I am too old-fashioned for modern dating. Kindly share your thoughts on this with me.
—Paul
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I have never commented here before, but this story somehow makes me want to.
Paul, it is rare to hear of a man who doesn’t want to take off a lady’s underwear on a first date. If that is how you are, then I’d say don’t give up. All it takes is one right connection and you will be glad you waited to find the one.
I tell myself the same thing whenever a promising lead turns into the same tired old story.
All it takes is one right connection…
PAUL CAN WE BE FRIENDS. I AM ALSO IN SEARCH OF A COMMITED RELATIONSHIP
I’m not Paul but I’d like be your friend too.
can i have your number then
We don’t pay for someone to love you, we love when one doesn’t pin point an attribute that makes you fall, all that you can say is I love this person. Look for someone who support your dreams. Again if you want a woman whom you can build the future with then know your value and where you can look for one. Lastly, pray, meditate to God because once bitten twice shy, please be careful you don’t fall the second time.
Hi Mr Paul,
I may be wrong to share this, but probably you should check your display of ‘good financial standings’. Truth is, every woman wants to be taken care of. And it takes the Grace of God to meet a woman who would see your wealth and throw in a request. Sometimes, it’s based on past experiences- where the men they were with, gave them zilch; hence, they resort to requesting in their sub-relationships.
We understand you men would like to show us prove that you can take care of us – I mean you can take very good care of us; but tone down on your looks and presentations- appearance-wise that gives the hints that you are well-to-do.
You can put through a test, which many women must have experienced – where their man rather request for their support, to probably assess if they can be financially responsible in the relationship entirely. Some have had a great end results, while others have learnt badly from such by getting nothing at all from the relationship and being the giver.
At this point, reset your search for a partner. What do you actually seek in a partner? You can give, but not too much and frequently. You don’t have to give all the time and sometimes too, ask for their help. And see how it goes.
Many people are learning from their past relationship experiences; and doing everything possible not to let those bad memories repeat themselves.
The type of women you may meet, may not meet all your requirements and qualities, but definitely, there would be something that compliments what’s missing on your checklist.
Thank you.
And it takes the Grace of God to meet a woman who would see your wealth and NOT throw in a request.
In your story: However it looks like the relationships available these days require payment before love…
The above statement in your story is the sad truth in recent times. Many would deny this but it’s everywhere in Gh today, both gender but mostly women.
A 1st year uni lady was like, if you cannot pay my campus bills for me, then what’s the essence of being in a relationship with you??
Sad times in Ghana when it comes to dating. How can love be at the centre of such relationship.
And ohh, nowadays, the more bill you pay, the romantic they deem you to be.
Pls Paul, open your eyes and keep trying. You’ll meet one who’s good for you soon. Also, don’t present yourself to them as someone who’s doing well financially.
Please Paul we need to get in touch. Seriously
Keep searching, you will find the right woman. You will be surprised to know that a lady is also frustrated just as you are because any man who comes around wants to get into her pants on the first date and she is also doing her best to build a relationship with the man.
There are others who would like to meet and have asked to meet you, they may frustrated just as you are because their expectation of a clean start of a relationship is not being fulfilled.
The right lady for you is around the corner, keep searching.
Hmmm this world is somehow those who are willing to find someone kind like this are not meeting them but those who are out there for material things get the good things I pray you get someone who will love you genuinely
Hello Paul, I would like to meet you. Please reach out.
Hoping to read a beautiful part two about your story. Not every woman is interested in material things, I know of women like that. They want to support the man that comes into their life. May you all meet the right person
Paul how old are you? Maybe I can link you to someone. She is in her forties as well. Good financial standing as well.
This is sweet 😻 of you, I’m happy to know such men still exists. There’s hope for me then.