I was living with my aunt when I completed SHS. Nothing about our living situation made me feel I belonged to myself. Even my thoughts were not my own. Everything was about what my aunt wanted and what I could do to make her happy. I never complained about whatever was expected of me. However, I needed a little space to be myself. But who would give me that freedom?

My family and my home wouldn’t allow me to move out and live on my own. The only way I could leave was through marriage. So while I endured confinement at my aunt’s hands, I was thinking about which of my suitors I would choose as a husband. The most likely match for me at the time was a rich man who is ten years older than me. I wanted to choose him among the lot but I was scared. “If I choose this man, people will say that I married him because of his money. I don’t want to be the subject of that kind of gossip so I won’t choose him.” I blame my way of thinking at that time on naivete.

Even after I rejected this rich man, he did not leave me alone. He visited me often to check up on me. He would tell me, “I want you to know that I am still waiting to whisk you away to be my wife. Just agree to my proposal and let’s do this. He was a decent man but I did not like the power imbalance that would accompany our relationship. He was rich while I was not. He was also older than me. I felt he would end up treating me like his child instead of his partner. I did not think it wise to escape from one prison and jump into another. I was looking for a man who would give me freedom.

After six years of back and forth, I strongly told the rich man, “Look, I will never accept your proposal. The age gap between us is too wide. Please move on.” He was disappointed but I was not. I had my eyes set on a young man who was not rich but had what it took to set me free. I convinced myself that what I felt for him is love. Maybe I had to believe the only reason I would choose a struggling young man over a rich man is love.

We dated for one year, to get to know each other better before we get married. In the one year that we dated, I found out that the man I chose is uneducated. Due to that, he can only do menial jobs. It bothered me a little that my man could only survive on menial jobs but I brushed it aside. I wanted to quickly marry him and leave home.

We got married a year after dating, and now I have all the freedom I craved for. I am my own person. My thoughts are mine and they are about me. Now that I have everything I want I should be happy, right? Well, I am not. I started feeling like I made a mistake three months into the marriage. Instead of a man who loves me and gave me freedom, I started seeing my husband as an illiterate who would do menial jobs for the rest of his life. I don’t think I can cope with it. I have even realized that I don’t love him as much as I think I do.

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What even made matters worse is the fact that he painted a certain image of himself before marriage. I can’t see any of the things he said, now that we are married. I feel he deceived me into marriage and now I am ashamed that I let my desperation lead me into this situation. Even my brother is not happy with my choice of husband. “Why did you choose to marry this illiterate?” He asked angrily. I got defensive and we argued, “Don’t talk about my husband like that.” My brother and I haven’t spoken since then.

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As time goes on, my feelings for my husband have changed drastically. I feel less love for him. This has affected the way I act toward him. I can go for days without talking to him. Sometimes too I would refuse to cook for him. He doesn’t mind me when I do this. It is only when he gets fed up that he reacts harshly, but eventually, he calms down.  I do not wish to stay in the marriage and treat him badly but my religion does not permit divorce.

Sometimes I feel like running away to settle somewhere, but where will I go? I am currently not working so I am financially dependent on him. I fear I might do worse things to him when I start making my own money. I know it is not his fault entirely that I don’t love him, but I can’t help it. I am really suffering in this marriage. What should I do?

–Lamisi

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