We were wild, crazy, passionate, and so much in love when we started out as lovers. Now, we are still wild, he is kind of crazy, we have zero passion, and I am certain we fell out of love long ago. I don’t know how it started or why I did not notice what was happening to us until eight years has passed and we have two children together. Maybe if I had seen the change happening early enough I would have jumped ship or stood a firm ground to prevent a lot of things from happening.

I wish I could say the man I am talking about is my husband, because, then it would make sense. No, he is not my husband. The only thing he did after we found out I was pregnant with our first child was to go and see my family and perform knocking rites. After the knocking rites, he convinced me to move in with him. “We are going to have a child together so we should live together as a family. When the baby comes I will perform the marriage rites and legalize our relationship.” His promises sounded sweet and true to my heart. So I gobbled it all up like a hungry child.

He did not have his own place so I moved in with him in his mother’s house. What did I not do for this woman? I was practically her maid. I cleaned, cooked, did her laundry, scrubbed the bathroom, and run errands for her. Even when I was heavily pregnant, I did all these things. Yet whenever she got the opportunity to talk about me she would say, “Oh that girl, she is very lazy. Don’t mind her. She doesn’t know how to do anything.” It was always heartbreaking to hear that the woman did not appreciate my efforts but what could I do? I felt like my hands were in her mouth. So I just put in extra labour but she still insisted I was lazy.

My boyfriend’s job always took him out of the country so it was his mother I was actually living with. He came home occasionally, and when he did, he wouldn’t stay for long before going back. After our first baby, I reminded him about his promise to marry me. He just said, “We will do it but not now. Let’s wait for the baby to get a little older.” I attributed his delay to financial problems so I gave it a little time. When I saw that he had not made any attempt to buy the items on the marriage list I asked him, “When are we legalizing our union? My family is expecting us.” He answered, “Honestly, I am not ready for marriage right now. Give me some time to put my affairs in order.”

I waited and waited until I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Then I brought up the issue of marriage again. He got angry and it turned into a fight. “I don’t understand your obsession with marriage. We are already living together as husband and wife. We are raising a child together and we have another one on the way. We are a family. We don’t need a piece of paper to label us as married. It’s not important.” How could he say that? I have a family who was expecting us to perform the marriage ceremony after one child. How could I tell them that my boyfriend said marriage is just a piece of paper? I made it a point to persuade him to do the right thing but every time I did, it turned into a fight. So I got tired and left it alone.

A while after our second daughter arrived, his mother had to move out of the house she was renting to a different place. Her new place was far from the kids’ school so I suggested that my man gives me money to rent a place for us to live in. At first, he refused, “Why can’t you just move with my mother? When I return to the country, we will find a different school for the girls.” I argued that it would destabilize them to move to a new school after they had formed attachments to their teachers and other kids in the school. It was not easy but he finally agreed for us to get our own place.

When it was time for him to send me the money he said, “I will give the money to my younger to pay for the rent. I don’t want you to run away with my money.” I was hurt by that statement but I brushed it off, “He is probably joking.” Oh, but he wasn’t. He said a lot more insulting things to me but I let it all slide. After I took the money I rented a place near where his mother used to live.

When school went on vacation, I took the children to his mother so I could focus on work. By then their father was still not back in the country. One day I was having a conversation with him when it turned into a heated argument. He wanted me to quit my job so I could focus on taking care of the children. I refused and he got mad, “I don’t want to see you when I return home. Pack your things and leave before I get there.” I said I wouldn’t but later I went to my father’s house. The children were still at their grandmother’s so they didn’t know what was going on.

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When he got back he came to my father’s house and apologized for his actions. “You know I say a lot of things I don’t mean when I am angry. You should not have left. I hated to come home to an apartment you were not in. Please, come back.” I did not let him sweat it. I thought about my kids and accepted his apology. After I moved back he explained why he asked me to quit my job. He told me he would do more than enough to compensate for my income lost. He said it was necessary that our daughters always come home to me. I knew he wouldn’t let the argument go. His mother even came in to threaten to take my kids from me. And I did not wish to start another fight so I gave in to his demands. I quit my job and became a stay-at-home mum.

After all the sacrifices I have made for this relationship, this guy cannot control his temper for my sake. He insults me whenever I do something he is not pleased with. As if that’s not enough, he demands shuperu every night. If I turn him away, he wouldn’t talk to me the next day. So now sex has become a compulsory thing in the relationship. When he gets satisfied he would say, “You know I can be nice when you give me what I want. And I can also be mean when I am not happy. So just keep me happy and we will be fine.” How can one keep a grown man who refuses to do anything for himself happy?

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When he is home he doesn’t do anything to help out with the kids. He won’t even wash his own plates after eating. Heck, he won’t even get up and wash his hands. He would sit down and expect me to fetch water for him to wash his hands. I am sure if he could he would ask me to wash his hands for him.

When he does things to frustrate me I have no one to talk to. He has driven away all my friends, even the ones who were in my life before he came along. So now I am at his mercy. I am so tired of him and his drama. I want to leave the relationship. I want to go home. My concern is that I have two children. Will I find a man who will accept my kids? I am also wondering, “What if I leave and he gets married to the next girl he meets? Maybe he is just frustrating me so that I would leave.” I don’t know which step to take. Please advise me.

–Queensley

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