If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

“If you have a cat and a dog in the house, it is your responsibility to make their relationship work if you don’t want to keep one of them in a cage all the time…” 

That’s what someone said in the comment when I posted my story. She didn’t say it exactly the way I’ve put it but it’s not far from this. Apart from this comment, many other comments sounded true and confusing at the same time. I came here confused, looking for answers but I left with a dilemma,  a headache that pounded more heavily than before I shared my story. 

Some said Mark was a red flag I had to let go but I asked myself, “How could a red flag be this alluring to my eyes? 

Some also said Mark was a white flag I had to keep but I had to look at it from a different way. That not all men do well with kids but it doesn’t mean they hate kids. From all indications, Mark didn’t hate my daughter but it’s very difficult to give a name to what exists between love and hatred. If he didn’t hate her and didn’t love her, then what can we call how he felt for her?

I left everything in the hands of time to show me the way. But I didn’t sit there. I started exploring options. Options that would make me keep my daughter happy and also keep the man in my life happy. Whenever he was coming around to visit, I sent my daughter to my parents. She loved it there actually because she was overly pampered by Mom. I felt it was a win-win situation. She gets to be pampered and I get to be with the man I love without any distractions.

The first time Mark came there and didn’t see my daughter, he asked about her. That alone made me happy. It made me feel like he notices her that’s why he noticed her absence. If she was around, he wouldn’t have made any reference to her. I told him, “She’s gone to visit my parents.” He asked, “She didn’t go to school today?” I told him, “I sent her there after school. I will go for her when I see you off.”

The second time when he noticed her absence he asked about her again. I jovially asked, “You miss her?” He answered, “That’s how kids are. When they are around, they worry you. Once they are not around, the silence that replaces their absence also causes you to ask questions.”

When he asked about her the third time he asked me, “I hope you’re not doing this because of me. We’ve had a conversation about her before I remember. I hope it’s not because of what I said that’s why you’re keeping her away.” I answered truthfully, placidly and humbly, “It’s because of that conversation but I’m not doing it with the wrong intentions. I want you here with me but I don’t want her to be lonely while you are here. She has only me and it hurts her to see my attention griped by someone who is not her.”

My answer opened up a conversation that led us into the rabbit hole of his past. “I didn’t mean you should send her away. Maybe I communicated my stand the wrong way but what I basically mean is this…”

He went on and on saying different things that have the same meaning. He’ll make meaning here and there and later say something that sucks out the meaning off everything he said before. But one thing he said that brought understanding to me was when he shared the story of his childhood; 

His father was there but barely exchanged words with him. He walked into the house and went straight into the room without even asking him how school was. The only person his father engaged with was his mother. “He didn’t hate me,” he said. “He didn’t even punish me when I went wrong. He was content being a father who provided and left the rest of the chores in the hands of my mother, including care of the home and affection towards children.”

He’s seven years older than his brother. When his brother was born, he was sent to live with his aunt to be able to go to a better school because his parents were transferred to a village. The next time he saw his brother, he was already grown up. He lost the opportunity to grow with him so when they met, they behaved like strangers. Even today, he and his brother relate to each other as if they are the children of rivals.

Once I learned this from him, I eased up. Once I knew there was nothing to fear, I gave my all to the relationship, hoping it ends where it was supposed to end. One day he told me, “Your daughter is ten. She’s not a child as you see it. You’ve talked to me about her but have you talked to her about me? The reason things are the way they are? She’s a child, she’ll believe what you tell her but if you allow her to think of things as they appear to her, she’ll also believe what her mind tells her.”

I sat my daughter down and asked, “Will you like Uncle Mark to be your father?” She shook her head. I asked why and she answered, “Because he doesn’t like me.” I asked her, “But do you like him?” She nodded her head twice. It broke my heart and it nearly drove me to tears. 

“He likes you but when you see him you don’t go to him and you don’t talk to him so he also thinks you don’t like him. Can you say hello to him next time he’s around? Can you not hide when he comes around?”

The next time she saw Mark, she came to look at my face and I winked. Mark said hello how are you and she also said “Hello, welcome, Uncle Mark.” Mark smiled and looked at me as if to ask, “What did you tell her.” Gradually things were changing and I was always at ease even when I didn’t see my daughter around while Mark was around. Before Mark leaves, he’ll say Goodbye to her and she will walk him to the gate and bid him Goodbye.

And then she fell sick one dawn. It started like the temperature rising and then felt like malaria when I saw her shaking. It got worse in the night so I took her to the hospital. It was around 12am. I texted Mark; “My girl is sick so we are at the hospital. There’s a drip on her. It looks like she’ll spend a couple of days here.” 

I didn’t think he would see it at that time. It was late and he could be sleeping. A minute after the text he called me, “Which hospital, he asked me?” 

A few minutes later, he was at the hospital standing next to me as we watch her sleeping peacefully. I said, “You didn’t have to come.”  He answered, “You didn’t have to send me a message.” 

We were there until she opened her eyes when the drip was being changed. He saw us together and she smiled as if she wasn’t sick. Mark left early in the morning. He came by the hospital after work and stayed with us until late in the night. He brought snacks and showed some warmth he had never shown since we met.

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He came for us when she was discharged. On our way home I asked him, “So, you grew up to become like your father?” He looked away with a smile. He asked, “Why do you say that? My dad was worse. I’m way better than him.” I told him, “You’re trying your best. Thank you for being there.”

This episode in our lives changed every perception I had of him. He won’t play fetch with my daughter. He won’t carry her on his shoulder like a trophy. He may not even say hi but this doesn’t mean the absence of love. Deep down, there’s affection but he was only behaving the way he was raised. Even that, things got better. I think my daughter also got the understanding of what I told her. When Mark didn’t visit, we visited him. She helped me in the kitchen. I’ll finish the food and she would take it to the table and serve him. 

That hasn’t changed even now that we are married. She’s the one who serves his food. She’s the one who will go back to the table and clear it after Mark has finished eating. Once she sees that Mark is free, she’ll go to him with her homework and Mark will help her do it. She calls him Mark. I tried to change that but Mark didn’t want it changed. “All my children will call me Mark,” he said. “Because that’s my name.” 

A lot hasn’t changed. It’s more like if the mountain doesn’t come to Mahomet, Mahomet will learn to go to the mountain. Mark doesn’t go to her often but she has learned to talk to Mark about her problems even before I get to know about them. Their relationship is different and I respect it. 

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We have another member of the family coming. I’m waiting to see how things go. I’m not expecting any change but I’ve learned babies change men so let’s wait and see the change this one will bring but for now, I’m happy I didn’t allow my insecurity to get the best of me. Time has a way. If we trust it, it will turn dust into gold and gold into a wedding ring.

–Victoria

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