Last year I had a crush on this guy in my church. I told my mum and my kid sister about it although I had not said as much as a “Hello” to him. I didn’t know my mum and my sister were his friends until they introduced me to him one day after church. We became friends instantly. We always had something to talk about. Our constant communication and connection led us to become best friends in a very short time. I often jokingly told him I had a crush on him, and he always laughed when I did.

I had a boyfriend and he also had a girlfriend. So occasionally we discussed our relationships and sought advice for problems we faced. There were things my boyfriend did that weren’t right. I didn’t know they were not right until Jones pointed them out to me. He advised me on how to address them without creating conflict in the relationship. His advice usually worked so I was always thankful that he was looking out for me.

It got to a point I could tell Jones was hungry by just reading his facial expression. I could also tell if he was having relationship problems by just looking at him. I knew him so well that I could tell his moods apart. He also knew me well enough to tell my emotions from my body language. We were always there for each other. We had a Sunday tradition. He would follow me home after church, and then we’d go out for food and ice cream. From there we would go back to my house and talk till it was late at night. I never liked it when he had to leave.

As we got along, his relationship problems compounded until he eventually broke up with his girlfriend. “Don’t just walk away when things get hard. Stay, and fight for your love,” I advised him. But his mind was already made up so he went through with the breakup. I was by his side and comforted him as best as I could. Through that, I met his mother. She and I get along so well even to date.

Shortly after Jones’ break up, my boyfriend told me, “I can tell you are not happy with who I am. You keep trying to change something about me. So why don’t you go for someone who already has the qualities you want, so that I will also find someone who will accept me for who I am?” That was how he broke up. I thought I would be heartbroken and feel lost without him. But I felt fine. I was not hurt, not even a little bit.

It didn’t take long after my break up for me to start catching feelings for Jones. I don’t know when it started but my feelings for him were pretty intense. We were always texting and spending time together. I could visit him anytime and stay at his place for hours, and he could also visit us anytime and feel at home. He became so close to my family to the point that they thought we were dating. We just had this connection we couldn’t break.

One day we were having a conversation when I told him, “Remember when I used to tell you I have a crush on you?” He laughed and said, “How could I forget?” I gave him a serious look and said, “Well, it’s not a crush anymore. I have feelings for you now. Real feelings. Do you feel the same way about me?” He admitted, “Yes, I have feelings for you too but I don’t want us to get into anything. I am still healing from my past relationship. Let’s wait for a while.” I explained to him that my feelings for him are quite intense so I would like to take some time apart from our friendship so that I don’t hurt myself. He said, “No, I don’t want you to do that. I need you in my life.” I tried to be friends with him but what I felt for him kept growing. So I brought up the topic of us taking a break again but he declined it. Three times, I suggested we give each other space and Jones said no all those times.

Eventually, I agreed to stay in his life on the condition that if one of us finds someone, they would let the other person know. One day we were together as always. Except for this time, there was a primal need we both wanted to satisfy. Logic flew out the window and all that was left of us was the need. What I am trying to say is, we had shuperu. I wasn’t happy after the deed was done but the next time we were together, it happened again. I just couldn’t resist him so it kept going on.

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While I was battling with my conscience over what we were doing, Jones made me believe we had a future together. He assured me that once he sorts his feelings out we would start a relationship. I trusted him so I didn’t think for a second that he was just saying empty words. Why would my best friend lie to me? I knew what we were doing was wrong, but I couldn’t turn him away whenever he came to look for me. And he always came to look for me. Sometimes he even picked fights with me for not checking up on him. That’s why I got suspicious when he became distant all of a sudden.

I didn’t ask him what was going on. I just advised myself and started keeping my distance as well. We checked up on each other once a day instead of the usual texting and visiting. I was still in love with him so it bothered me. After not visiting me for about two months, he finally showed up at my house with a girl from church. Her name is Amy. I could tell from the way they were relating to each other that something was going on between them. I expected him to tell me himself but he didn’t say anything. So when I got the chance I asked Amy. She told me, “Yes, Jones proposed to me. We are currently talking about marriage.”

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I was broken. I couldn’t sleep that night. This was someone who promised me that we would end up together. I guess it wasn’t a matter of, he wasn’t ready. He just didn’t want me. The next day he came to explain himself. I couldn’t stop crying the entire time he was going on about how he unintentionally fell in love with Amy. I didn’t go to work for a week. This heartbreak made me sick. Just as Amy told me about their relationship, I also told her about what happened between us. She is so smitten by him that I can tell our past doesn’t matter to her.

Jones still comes to our house to visit my mum and my sister. Whenever he comes around, I don’t go out to see him. Occasionally, I wave him “Hi … Hello” but that is it. There are days I hate him, and there are other days I wish him well. Gradually, I am healing. I know I made mistakes and I have learned from them.

–Joan

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