I met Evans through my best friend’s boyfriend, Kojo. The boys happened to be best friends as well. He was single and searching for a girlfriend and I was single and available. So Kojo and my best friend decided to intervene and play matchmakers. I was sceptical about meeting him at first but after I did, I liked him. We started talking and I liked how cool and level-headed he was. My only problem with him was the way he acted weirdly any time I mentioned Kojo’s name. It was as if he didn’t want me to have anything to do with Kojo. It didn’t make sense but I tucked the thought away and focused on getting to know him better.

On my 23rd birthday, he threw a party for me. I have friends I had known for years yet none of them ever threw a birthday party for me. So I was very touched by the grand gesture. All my friends were present. We were having so much fun when I realized something was off. I looked around and saw that Evans was not there with us. He was sitting in the dining hall looking very angry. I asked him, “Why have you moved away from the party? Are you not having fun?” He said in a loud voice, “No, I am not having fun. Your friends are loud and are all over the place.” I shrugged, “It’s a party. People are usually loud at parties. Besides, that’s how my friends are. They are the life of the party.”

He didn’t like what I said so he left the house without my knowledge. When I realized he would rather go home than stay at a party he organized for me, I felt really bad. So I ended the party. I did it to please him but he was not moved. He still insisted on going home. My friends were shocked that I ended my birthday so abruptly. I myself was shocked by what I did. I suppose I had fallen deeply in love with him by then so I felt it was necessary to make him happy. I walked with him to pick a car home and the entire time, he never said a word to me. When he got home too he did not call me. I called him several times but he did not answer my calls. I remember crying and going to sleep beside my dad that night. I was sad. He ruined my birthday. I should have learned my lessons there and then but I did not.

when he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes. That was when I saw that just because someone presents themselves as level-headed does not mean they are. He always got angry whenever I spoke to or visited Kojo and his girlfriend who is my best friend. These were the people who paired us up yet he wanted me to have nothing to do with them. He said Kojo would take advantage of me. I remember one time, I went against his wishes and went to visit them. Evans was enraged, “I gave you orders not to go anywhere near them yet you disobeyed me.” He did not speak to me for days. Another time, all four of us were together. I was playing with Kojo and we were all laughing except my boyfriend. This guy shouted at me, “Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Stop it at once.” You would think he is my father.

What really annoyed me about his behaviour was how he could be playful and friendly with other girls and leave me no room to complain. All he did was compare me to other women he felt were better behaved than me. He would tell me, “What is it with you and your friends? Why can’t you be like Akua? She doesn’t talk to anyone. She has just only one friend and they are both very quiet.” I hated it when he did that but I did not do anything about it. I put up with him for one year.

After a year, I realized there were too many red flags in the relationship, but Kojo and my best friend thought otherwise. They encouraged me to stay with him, and that with time he would change. However, when my aunt came home from Canada, I saw things that opened my eyes. I introduced Evans to my aunt and she asked him, “Young man, what are your plans for this relationship?” He couldn’t say anything concrete. Everything he said was completely unrelated to our future together as a couple. That was when I realized that although I was in his life, I didn’t have a place in it.

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Even after what I saw, I applied for a master’s program and asked him to also apply. He gained admission but told me he didn’t have money to pay the fees. What he rather did was go for a loan to buy a car, all because he saw me using my friend’s car to learn how to drive. Eventually, I started my master’s program and that was when we started having more problems. He constantly complained, “Because you are doing your masters, you do not have time for me anymore. You wait, I am also going to pursue a master’s degree.” Interestingly, whenever he starts a fight he would buy me a gift as an apology. Those little gestures always made me believe that he was truly sorry for his actions and it messed with my head for a while.

On my 24th birthday, he insisted that I don’t celebrate it with my friends. He said, “This is the day I am coming home to meet your dad. Let’s not allow your loud friends to ruin it.” Can you imagine, when he entered my house and saw my dad’s car he run away? My aunt never liked him from day one so she was always on my neck to break up with him. She even used her experience with her ex-husband as a point of reference but I couldn’t end the relationship. What finally did it for me was when he accused me of having sex with my friend whose car I was using for my driving lessons. After that, he also accused me of sleeping with his work colleague, a guy I met only once through him. These accusations were the last nail in the coffin of our relationship.

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After I broke up with him, he would come around and ask my aunt to plead with me on his behalf. My aunt didn’t give him much attention but he kept trying. However, as time went on, he knew neither I nor my aunt wanted him around so he backed off. I heard he is married, cheating on his wife, and does not involve her in anything he does. But that’s not my business so let me not get into it.

As for me, I am happily married to a man who gives me all the peace, happiness, and freedom in this world. My husband and I don’t live together but he has never doubted my commitment to our marriage and my faithfulness to him. I have regained all the confidence, respect, and self-esteem I once lost. I now have a second master’s and I am working in an organization where I am the only female. This would have never happened if I had ended up with Evans. I hope my story is enough to advise anyone here who is with a partner who is controlling and abusive (physically, emotionally, and or psychologically), to run as fast as your legs can carry you.

–Afia

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