I can’t remember when it started but I know that it started with Jemima, my childhood friend. She is the youngest among her sisters. We used to play a lot. We played all sorts of games, including games that allowed us to learn about our bodies. We experimented with what we saw adults do. Jemima and I learned how to kiss by practising with each other. We were kids. We didn’t understand things like pleasure and feelings. Whatever we did was just out of curiosity.

After my experience with her, I took things a notch further with my sisters. We were all girls but we improvised and tried to imitate what we believed men and women did when they shared intimacy. Of course, we didn’t know that there was anything wrong with what we were doing. When we exhausted whatever we could do to each other, we involved outsiders. My mother is a teacher and some of her pupils always spent time with the family. They were like brothers to us, but we did nasty things with them behind our mother’s back. I have lost count of the number of people who touched me down there when I was between the ages of eleven and sixteen. If you ask me, I didn’t know I was doing anything wrong.

I had my first boyfriend when I was at the tender age of twelve. I was even the one who approached him. The only thing I knew I shouldn’t do at that age was to make sure that no man puts their joystick inside me. Everything else was fair game. We drifted apart over time. After all, what did we know about relationships? At fifteen, I got myself another boyfriend. With him too, we didn’t cross the forbidden line, but everything else happened.

While all these were happening I started wishing I would go all the way with someone and experience how the proper thing felt like. But I was scared to try it because I knew it was wrong. So I resorted to pleasing myself. I used pens and whatever pointed things I could get my hands on. The most haunting thing I did was to use my neighbour’s son who was seven years younger than me, in my quest for satisfaction. I did this when I was a child myself, so I didn’t know that I had defiled the boy, until years later. Now that I know what I have done, I am always on my knees praying that he turns out well.

Looking back at everything I have done with Jemima and my sisters, I am glad to say that I never desired girls. I have only liked boys. My second boyfriend and I, for instance, had planned to go all the way after we complete SHS. However, my family moved away so that never happened. Then I went to the university in 2017. I got myself another boyfriend, and in 2018, we had shuperu. That same year, I received Christ and became a born-again Christian.

I thought by receiving Christ, I would become celibate. It turned out that everything I had done in the past gave me low self-esteem. So I couldn’t say, “No, I don’t want to do this,” whenever my boyfriend tried to have his way with me. Unfortunately, the more I gave in to his demands, the deeper I got into pleasuring myself. As a born-again Christian, I used to feel guilty about everything, but with time, my guilt went away. It started to feel very normal to me.

As time went on, the relationship ended, and I got myself another boyfriend. This particular guy made me feel wanted and cared for. He was also born-again so his presence in my life played a major role in my spiritual growth. He didn’t touch me or try to do anything intimate with me. The furthest we went was to share a kiss. I was happy with him, but along the line, we broke up. I don’t know why he left. Maybe he found out that I was too tainted for him.

The break-up left me bitter for a while but I eventually worked on healing and got over it. I took a break from boys and relationships. I took good care of my skin. I looked good. I fell in love with myself. I tried to direct the same energy toward my spiritual life but with no man in my life to satisfy my sexual needs, I had to handle my own business. It brought me physical pleasure but it took a toll on me spiritually. However, I didn’t give up. I continued working on my spiritual health until one day the desire to masturbate completely left me.

For two whole years, I was clean. Then I entered the dating world again. The first man I dated after the break, stoked the burning ambers of my desires and awoken everything that lay dormant in me. It was a long-distance relationship so anytime he was not around I played with myself. I told myself, “I was doing so well until this guy came along. Now I am back to doing everything God delivered me from. I should break up with him and continue to work on my salvation.”

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After we broke up, I met the man I am currently dating. At the beginning of the relationship I proposed, “Due to spiritual reasons, I want us to be celibate until we are married.” He told me, “No, I can’t do abstinence. I would try but I would fail. It is just not my thing.” From all indications, this man was raised well. He is gentle with me and treats me well. Our relationship is also a long-distance one but I have never been at peace like I am now. I considered all these and thought, “I don’t want to lose a good man because of celibacy. I will give him a chance and do whatever will make him happy so I can keep this relationship.”

He is not a Christian like I am, but he is making efforts to build a relationship with God. My problem right now is that I don’t enjoy intimacy with him. It feels painful no matter how gently he tries to make it enjoyable for me. The only time I don’t feel pain is if it’s just me doing my thing. That’s how I know that masturbation is ruining my life. I have tried to stop but it seems I the lack strength and courage to succeed. I have prayed and fasted but to no avail. Sometimes I console myself that it’s not wrong, but my conscience reminds me that I am a Christian so it is wrong.

What can I do to get out of this mess? I have tried to talk to people but I don’t have the courage to tell them what is going on. I am close to powerful men of God, but they know nothing of the demons I am battling with. What makes me feel really sad about all this is that I am regarded as a role model for young people in my church and community. I am a teacher, so it comes with the profession. I am beginning to wonder if I should break up with my perfect boyfriend, so I can live a life free of sin.

It’s My Brother Who Helps My Husband To Cheat On Me–Beads Media 

I am currently back in school, far away from him but anytime I am in the house, I feel lonely and desire to be touched, kissed, hugged, and have nasty things done to me. The good thing is that I can’t see anyone apart from my boyfriend doing those things with me. So I am here, looking for help. I just want to be free but I don’t know how to gain that freedom. I have cried, slapped myself, prayed and fasted but none of it has worked. What else can I do?

—Simone

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