I Don’t Want Him Back, I Just Need His Forgiveness

I believe that in life, we only get a shot at one great love. And when we lose it we won’t get another chance. We may find other incredible lovers but they will not measure up to the one who got away. And for me, my great love is Daniel. The kind of love Daniel had for me is the purest form of love I have ever seen. Our relationship was not corrupted by lust or games. He was just so true to me, but I was scared. I was too young and naïve to understand my feelings for him and his feelings for me. We were both at an age where my parents had drummed into my head a speech. “Stay in school, study hard, and forget about boys. Boys will waste your time and ruin your future.”

Of course, they meant well but that kind of talk made me believe that having a boyfriend was a bad thing. That’s why I got scared when things became intense between us. And instead of talking about it with him, I didn’t. I spent every day in the relationship haunted by questions. “Am I doing the right thing by being with him?” “How will my parents feel if they find out I have a boyfriend?” While I contemplated the morality of having a boyfriend, Daniel took me home and introduced me to his parents. And they fell in love with me. We were in SHS at the time but none of them told us we were too young to be together.

His mother and twin sister became very close to me. And I loved them very much. When I first met Daniel in Aburi, I didn’t anticipate that he would lead me into the arms of his loving family, so I always appreciated him for that. Even Daniel himself always went out of his way to blow my mind with his kindness. We were both students in our third year, but he always spent money on me. He would buy me provisions for school, and presents for occasions.” There were times I complained, “You don’t have to do all this, my dear. You are a student like me. Where do you even get your money?” Those times, he would smile and respond, “Allow me to spoil you. I want you to stand tall among your friends. They should all know the difference between the girl I love and every other girl.”

Honestly, he did everything right. If the survival of our relationship depended on his efforts alone, we would have thrived. After SHS, I gave in to my fear that being with him was not right. I also felt the long distance between us was too much of a stretch. So I stopped trying for things to work. I always refused to visit him whenever he asked to see me. But that didn’t stop him from doing everything to keep us going. He always called and visited me. And he was the only one who gave gifts in the relationship. One time he planned a trip for us to go to Sajuna beach resort. The whole purpose of that trip was for us to bond and hold on to each other despite the distance. However, it was when we were on the trip that I realized that Daniel deserved someone better than me.

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I convinced myself that he deserved to be with someone who would be as committed and dedicated to him as he was to me. So right after the trip, I started ignoring his calls and texts. His mother even called me and asked, “Monique, what is going on between you and Daniel? He says you don’t answer his calls anymore. What did he do to offend you?” Instead of being straight with the woman, I told her, “Talk to your son. He knows what he has done.” Of course, Daniel hadn’t done anything. In hindsight, I have really messed up. He believed I was pushing him away because of another man, but there was no one else apart from him. He was hurt and so disappointed that he stayed away from me.

The Problem Started When I Spent The Money I Found In His Laundry–Beads Media

It’s been a decade since our relationship ended but I have carried the guilt of my actions with me through the years. Whenever I hear the name, Daniel, I panic. I have reached out to him and apologized several times for what I did to him, and he always tells me he is cool but I am not cool. I am not able to forgive myself because I don’t believe he has truly forgiven me. To complicate things further, I have started craving the kind of love Daniel had for me. And I call it a complicated feeling because I am currently married. I have been married for five years but my mind still wanders to the pure and devoted love I shared with my first love. Before anyone gets me wrong, I don’t want him back. I respect my marriage and my husband. I just think that a part of me is still holding on to Daniel because of the guilt I feel toward him.

That is why I decided to share our story here. He is also on the platform so he will see it. I believe when he gets to know how deeply I cared for him, he will understand my actions and truly forgive me. Then I will also forgive myself and move on.