I met Kudjo many years ago. We were two people who found love in each other, who completed each other’s sentences and made an intentional effort in creating ourselves a home. When we spoke of finances and I found out that I was earning more than him, it didn’t bother me. Instead, I wanted to stand with him. I trusted his humility and hard-working nature, knowing soon enough he would get a better-paying job.

Out here, there are several tales of women who are the head of the house. I am one of the many, and it may just be my fault that my husband is pampered.

Our marriage has lasted for a decade. For a decade, he has presented me as a wife to his friends, his boss, and his family. Everyone thinks he is the one who pays the bills, the hospital fees, the fuel in the car, and the bags on the children’s backs.

Even the waitress at our favourite restaurant thinks it’s his card. It is mine. Before we leave the house, I slip my card into his pocket and whisper nothing, just a peck on the cheek. It was my way of loving him, of offering him dignity, so he doesn’t go outside of this marriage we have, this family we are growing.

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I said that I may have pampered my husband because I have never complained about the little he brings home. I do not stand at the entrance of the gate at the end of month and warn him not to bring his peanut to the house as salary. His salary cannot afford to take us through the second week of a month. Rather, with open arms I set the food on the table, serve him, help him wash his hands, wash his clothes, and serve him at night. I do not frown at him.

To me, love was partnership. Equal effort, equal sacrifice.

But is this love? Love where I have financed this marriage for a decade?

I recently lost my job. One day, I woke up, went to office and my termination letter was handed over to me by the HR. There was no explanation provided, and I was left with no time to find another job. It was an immediate termination.

I walked home with my bags in my hands, sweaty, tired, angry and sat befor God. We agreed that this year was going to be my year of ease, so what exactly did he mean by termination? God and I agreed that this year I was going to get the senior role position I had been eyeing for long, so what was it?

I was lost in thought. As if that was not enough for the devil, a voice whispered to me how I was going to cater for my family since I was the breadwinner, and my heart sunk in more pain. The realisation is daunting. That if I do not find a job in the shortest possible time, my family would die of hunger. My children will stay back home, there would be no food on the table and soon we may live on the streets.

I can ask myself when I got here, but I have the answer. It is simple. My husband, doesn’t earn enough. For the past years, what I first knew has remained mostly the same. Although he has close to many awards, like most punctual, hard-working team member of the year and of the month, it ends at just that.

I have seen his payslip over and over and over again to check for loopholes and to verify it is not some fake slip. I have not seen any gaps, close to everything checks out. So, did I marry a lazy person? No. My husband is far from lazy; he is just content with whatever he is right now. He is just content. Stuck.

Over the years, I have stretched myself thin for this family. Gigs, entrepreneurship, or any course to improve myself – I am first in line, whereas my husband is just there.

I keep remembering all the times I mentioned it to him. Not to make him feel guilty but to see reasons with me in case of unfortunate circumstances like this one I am in now. He thinks I am trying to tell him that he is lazy. He gets offended at the mention of anything to make him increase his income or learn new skills. “Are you trying to look down on me or what?” he would usually ask, and then I would just crawl into a shell. To prove a point to me, he has never followed up on anything I have suggested to him.

That is why I need advice. Is it possible that I have pampered him, taking over his role for 10 years, so he feels reluctant in his home to wear the trousers? Is this the reason he has become less ambitious? Is this why, when I’m crying over the increase of food prices, he stays on the sofa watching TV because it doesn’t affect him or his money? Is it my fault? Is it entirely my fault?

This is financial ruin, humiliation; this is a very terrible dream from what I had 10 years ago.

My heart isn’t going anywhere, honestly. I also do not have the intention of leaving my husband. I simply want our situation to improve.

I want to see him do better for himself, for us, for me. I know there is an inner being in him that is anointed to do better.

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

Above all the questions, one question lies in my head. What can a wife do to encourage her husband to step out of his comfort zone and take more financial responsibility, especially now that I am currently out of work?

—Philomina

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